Don't Dream It's Over

I snapped the last suitcase shut and took a look around my childhood bedroom. Fucking hell, I had never thought I’d try to fit eighteen years worth of crap into three small bags, preparing to leave everything I knew behind the night I graduated high school. It wasn’t something I had chosen, rather it was a decision I was forced into by my parents’ prejudices.

I rechecked my bags, making sure I had what I wanted to take. There were lots of things that would be left behind to gather dust until someone threw them away or became someone else’s possession.  Among them were my games, CDs, and other items I’d received for birthdays and Christmases throughout the years. I set the bag down and checked my surroundings one last time.

The many trophies I’d won for participating in various sports during my elementary school years lined the far wall. At ten years old, they were my most prized possessions. Looking at them, as a man, they meant nothing. Clothes, pictures, small mementos, and cash were the only things I needed to take with me and were all that fit into the bags sitting on the bed. For a moment, I wondered if I was really making the right decision, and then a beautiful face with dark, soulful brown eyes, full pink lips, and rosy cheeks framed by long, dark brown hair filled my mind.

I shook my head and smiled, letting the image comfort me. The face belonged to the person who had changed my world, and I honestly wouldn’t have had it any other way. She was the reason I was running away from this dead factory town and my judgmental parents. She had taught me that standing up for what you believed in was one of the most noble things you could do. Even if it would cost you everything you had thought was important at one time in your life.

That person was one of the bravest people I’d ever known—my girlfriend, Bella.

Her family had moved to Anderson from some Podunk town in Washington during the last half of Sophomore year. Her arrival was met with little fuss—students were known for transferring from one of the other three high schools in the city or from others in the surrounding farm towns all the time.  So when Bella joined the ranks of the other three thousand students in attendance, it was hardly noticed.

Somehow, in my fifth period Chemistry class, she caught my eye on that first day. I’d like to be that romantic type of guy and say it was love at first sight, but I’d be lying if I did. It was her quiet nature and rocking body that first grabbed my attention. She seemed like the type of girl that was discreet, and it was something I needed after messing with the whores at that school. Every fucking one of them couldn’t wait to tell their friends that they had fucked the “great” Edward Masen. That shit went to my head for a while and inflated my ego, but it got old after a couple of months. A never-ending string of meaningless encounters were traded as currency in the latest round of gossip and had all kinds of crazy girls going to desperate measures to get me to screw them. Yes, I was a guy and I loved sex, but who really wanted their private shit broadcasted all over the school?

 As she sat in that class with her head down and her mouth shut, I began to form a plan in my head to lure her into an arrangement that would benefit us both. I presented her with my proposal after school that afternoon. She was shocked at first, but came around after a couple of weeks, after much persuasion on my part. Thus began our secret trysts and late night encounters.

It took Bella exactly two months to flip my world upside-down.

I thought I had been smart in the beginning by being exclusive with one girl sexually, without being boyfriend/girlfriend. However, the quiet girl I’d decided was a push-over was really a stubborn goddess in disguise. She told me during spring break that her conscience was eating at her, and if I was just going to use her, then she couldn’t be a part of it, us, anymore. It had kind of shocked me, because she was the first girl to stand up to me and demand to be treated right. I had always gotten away with being a prick because of who I was and what family I belonged to. She walked away from me without a backwards glance, and it made me question everything I believed about who I was. I would never be more grateful to her for knocking some sense into my thick skull.

For weeks, I was a brooding mess. There I was, the captain of the football team, star of the baseball team, and one of the most sought-after guys in school, and I couldn’t even get her to look at me. Bella was content to pretend that I had never existed, and I didn’t know why, but it killed me.

The realization that she was more than just a sexual object came that summer, when I saw her with another guy at the annual Midnight Parade held every Fourth of July. They were standing a few feet away, and she was laughing at something he had said to her. Watching her head thrown back in hysterics, making her whole body shake, made me realize I was a fuck up. It could have been me that had caused her such joy, and I had spoiled everything because I wanted casual sex with no strings attached.

The next day, I went to her house, hoping to convince her that I wanted more. I got lucky somehow and caught her at home alone. It took a half hour pleading my case in the doorway before she would even let me inside. Lots of tears, arguing, and begging on my part happened before she told me that she wasn’t seeing anyone exclusively and that she missed me. It was music to my ears and a balm to my tattered soul. One issue, though, made her hesitate.

“Edward,” Bella whispered. She leaned into me, so close I could feel the heat coming off of her. I was sitting next to her on her small living room love seat, welcoming her touch in any way she was willing to give. “What…I mean, when school starts again, how is this going to work? Your friends and mine—they don’t get along. I don’t think we’ll ever have a chance.”

The fact that our different groups of friends didn’t get along was a huge understatement. I was part of a group that thought they ruled the school, and her friends had made it their sole purpose in life to knock us off our self-imposed pedestals. A silent war had been declared between the two cliques the moment James Hudson, my best friend, had made fun of Gianna Jordan, Bella’s friend, when she had asked him to the Sadie-Hawkins dance freshman year. He was a jackass, but I had stood by him because we’d known each other since kindergarten. Since James’ rejection, it was a game of which group could one up the other. Cars had been keyed, lockers defaced, and there was even an incident with a goat, toilet paper, and the involvement of the entire school administration. No one was ever caught, but that one event had upped the stakes to the point that it would have been detrimental to Bella if it was found out that she had even associated with me, let alone was my girlfriend.

“Bella,” I said, pulling her to me. “I don’t care what anyone thinks. These last few months have been hell—I can’t even begin to apologize for how big of a jerk I was, but it would kill me if you became a part of this sick battle. I don’t want to hide you, really I don’t, but what else can we do? I swear, I won’t even look at another girl.”

Tears sprung to her eyes, and she grabbed me by my shoulders, pulling me tightly to her. She whispered in my ear that she felt the same way and would do anything to make things work. I told her that I agreed. I told her I loved her for the first time that night, too. Those words had scared me, but telling her felt like the most natural thing in the world. We began our relationship knowing that there would be many obstacles for us to face, but we were determined to overcome all of them to be together.

Little did we know, the biggest wall between us would come from our own families.

The first couple of months of junior year were spent sneaking around to see each other. Every time I met her in some clandestine location, another piece of my heart broke off. I felt like we were back to square one, only instead of meeting to fuck her like it meant nothing, I made love to her while telling her how I couldn’t live without her before going back to my lonely existence. Not only was I hurting myself, but I was also putting her through a lot of pain, too. One night after coming home from seeing Bella, I made the decision to pick her up at her house and take her out on a proper date. That next Friday evening, I did just that, and it was the biggest mistake I had ever made.

Bella answered the door with shock written clearly on her face. She was expecting to see me later that evening after her parents went to bed. Her father came to see what was going on when she tried to shoo me away. When he saw me standing on his front porch, asking his daughter out to dinner, he was more than a little pissed. He accused me of being just like my brother, pulled Bella into the house, and slammed the door in my face. I stood outside for twenty minutes, trying to regain my composure from the surprise her father’s words had caused.

On my way home, I punched my steering wheel, enraged that the shit my brother, Royce Masen, undisputed king of the school and suspected rapist, had caused was becoming my burden to bear as well. I’d known he was guilty of rape the moment Angela Weber accused him of taking advantage of her when she was drunk. She was the most trustworthy and honest girl, but fifty thousand dollars wired to her father’s bank account by City Councilman Edward Masen, Sr., and the retraction of Angela’s original police report, meant my slime of a brother got away with it. Turns out, though, that fate really hated me because Mr. Swan, Bella’s father, worked as a plumber at the same company as Mr. Weber and had been warned against the evil my family was capable of inflicting.

I was no rapist, and I had never slept with a girl that wasn’t fully aware and willing. It was something I was extra careful of after the situation with Royce happened. To be lumped in the same category made me sick, and I prayed that Bella wouldn’t let her father’s prejudice drive a wedge between us.

Things got worse when Charlie Swan showed up on my parents’ doorstep at eleven the same night, demanding that they make sure I stayed away from his daughter. My father, being the first-class asshole he was, laughed at Charlie and told him that it wouldn’t be a problem because he would never allow his son to date trash like Bella. Charlie left in the back of a police cruiser after punching my father for that last statement, causing my mother to call the police.

A huge fight erupted between my parents and me after Charlie was taken away. My mother demanded to know why I would hurt the family by dating someone beneath me, crying about how I would ruin their standing in the community. My father, the bastard, had the audacity to tell me that she was the type of girl you fucked on the side, not a girl you went public with. His words upset me, and I told him exactly where he could shove his suggestion and the people he considered to be “proper dating material.” I also told him how I felt about his handling of Royce’s fuck up. That earned me a month’s grounding, I was permitted to go to school, my afterschool job, the house—that was it. I didn’t care, though. For the first time in my life, I had told him exactly what I thought about him and his perfect family.

That Monday at school, I was terrified to see my girl. When I met her at her locker before the first bell, I was scared she might tell me to go to hell. Bella, being the wonderful girl that she was, didn’t believe that I was like my brother. She said it didn’t matter what her father thought of me, because she knew me and loved me. It was the greatest thing anyone had ever said to me, and I told her so. I wasn’t going to lose the one person that had become my entire world.

The months passed while the pressures at home and school continued, causing us to fight every time we were alone. She was upset because she was scared I was going to get tired of all the bullshit we had to go through just to be together, and I was tired of seeing her friends try to set her up with guys they wanted her to date. Hell, I was tired of my own friends giving me shit because they hadn’t seen me with anyone in over a year. Everyone was starting to believe that I was gay and had finally given up the ruse. It was ridiculous and completely false, but since I wasn’t fucking my way through each class anymore, it was the only way the student body could explain my sudden “abstinence.”

I knew that we had to get out of that fucked up town, or we’d never stand a chance at happiness. During a secret, late night phone call, we discussed things and decided the only way we could beat the people and forces against us was to run away right after graduation.

My job as a caddy at the local country club—set up for me by my father as a way to humiliate me—became a means to fulfill our dream. I used the money to buy a used car, giving back the one bought for me under the guise that I didn’t deserve it, and then saved every other penny so we’d have money to live on.

Bella followed my example, using the excuse she was saving up for college since her father couldn’t afford it. Our plan was flawless—no one expected the real reason we were busting our asses to make good grades and save money. I knew community college was in my future, at best, and it was yet another big fuck you to my father, because I knew he would shit himself when he found out I wouldn’t be attending Purdue after high school.

The one thing I will always regret is that I was never able to take Bella to prom—junior or senior year. When spring came around each time, I begged her to find a date and go. She waved me off each time, saying that if I couldn’t go with her, she wasn’t interested in attending; she didn’t want to hurt me that way.

In truth, it would have been agony to watch her in the company of another man, knowing I’d never be able to pick her up at her door, take her to dinner, and then dance with her in the ballroom of the Paramount. I wouldn’t get the chance to see her dressed to the nines, while we were still in school, and show her off. I could never gloat silently at our male classmates surrounding us, because I was with the most gorgeous girl in the room.

I almost let our fight about Senior Prom tear us apart. Missing prom had the potential to be the one thing she’d hold against me, and I would have ended up losing her. So, with my fucked up logic, I reasoned it was better to let her go so she could have that chance, than to lose her later over regrets.

Fortunately for me, Bella never put up with my moody bullshit.

It took her all of two seconds to point out the flaws in my plan, making me see reason.

“Edward,” Bella said, huffing my name. “What is the point of everything we’ve been trying to do if you’re just going to give up now?”

I rolled my eyes, not wanting to drag it out. I knew that once I left, I was going to be a mess. I wanted to get things over with as soon as possible.

“You’ll hate me one day. Maybe not tomorrow, the next day, or even in ten years, but it will happen. I can’t sit around, waiting for that day to come. I’d rather just…end it now.” I hung my head, hoping she wouldn’t see that I was about to fall apart.

She let out a scream that reverberated through the park we were in, causing me to jump. I looked at her with wide eyes and then checked behind me. Cops patrolled the area—did she want us to get arrested?

“Edward Anthony Masen, you are the stupidest, most irritating, and the biggest pig-headed jerk I have ever met. Quit trying to tell me how I’m going to feel one day.  Just because you know me does not mean you know how I will react to everything. I. Don’t. Want. To. Go,” she yelled in my face.

“Bella, be reasonable—”  I said. My words were cut off when she shoved me so hard that I stumbled. I furrowed my brow and looked at her, shocked she had just pushed me. Bella wasn’t one for violence, and I knew that if she was using it that I was in big trouble.

“Shut up!” she yelled. “Just, stop it already. Breaking up with me isn’t going to change my mind, so you might as well give it up. Unless I can show up with you by my side, I have no interest in going. Don’t you see it would hurt both of us if we went with other people?”

The wind had been knocked out of my sails, and the fight left me. I couldn’t think of anything that would sound reasonable against her logic. I grabbed a hold of her shirt and pulled her to me, crashing my lips against hers. My mouth hungrily sought out hers, wanting to erase my blasphemous words with a kiss. It was a lie; I didn’t want to break up with her, but I also didn’t want her to regret anything. As my tongue pushed through her lips, dominating her, I realized that nothing mattered but her. She was everything I had never known that I needed, and I wasn’t going to be that stupid ever again. Nothing on this earth could ever make me let her go. 

I pulled her over to one of the baseball dugouts in the back of the park, knowing it would be dark and hard to see in. Minutes later, after we had hurriedly undressed each other, I laid her down on the bench inside. When I finally took her, I wasn’t sweet or careful. The need that had built up in me came out in rough thrusts and demanding open-mouthed kisses on her skin. I had come so close to losing her, and it was all because of my stupidity. She must have felt the same way, because her touch was forceful. Her nails dug into my skin as I picked up the pace, wanting to see her fall apart.

It was the most intense and beautiful sight I had ever seen, when the ecstasy washed over her at last, pushing me to my own climax. Afterward, we dressed and held each other. I apologized for being an idiot, and she assured me once again that she only wanted me.

Weeks passed, and then graduation was upon us. All of the sweat, tears, fighting, bullshit from our friends, and our secret meetings were coming to an end, and I was happy that it was time to start my life with Bella. Walking across that stage to get my diploma was one of the happiest moments in my life, but not for the reasons any of the other students had—besides Bella. My joy came from the knowledge that, in less than twelve hours, Bella and I would be gone.

James blocked my escape from the high school gym as I was trying to leave. He pulled me into a hug and whooped in my ear, aiming to get me to celebrate the end of our forced academic career. I watched Bella exit with her parents as James released me, mouthing that I would see her tonight. She caught my words, giving me a small, undetected nod and a smile.

“So, man, I haven’t seen you in what seems like forever,” James said. It was true—I hadn’t spent much time with him since Bella had become my girlfriend. The desire to hang out with privileged jerks and gold-digging whores that felt entitled because they were spoiled by their daddies had lost its appeal. James was on that list, as well as his girlfriend, Victoria Johnson.

Of course, she chose that moment to join us. Speak of the devil and the devil shall appear.

“Eddie!” she screamed, jumping into my arms. I caught her only because her boyfriend was standing next to us, and I wasn’t in the mood to get my ass kicked. I patted her back lightly, setting her down.

“Oh, you have to come with us tonight,” she demanded. “Kate’s parents are getting a keg for her party, and I’m not taking no for an answer.”

“Um, I’d love to come, but I have some dinner I have to go to with my parents,” I argued.

“So, come afterward. Irina Davis will be there, and you know she’s hot for you. She hasn’t shut up about the party the two of you hooked up at during freshmen year. She’s a sure thing, Eddie,” James said, winking at me.

Hearing that name made me want to throw up in my mouth a little…I remembered Irina Davis all too well. The night we hooked up, as James had so eloquently put it, I’d had a great alcohol buzz and wanted to fuck. Irina just happened to be in the right place, or wrong place as I recalled, at the right time.

She was one of the prettiest girls in the school, but also one of the biggest bitches. It was because of her less than stellar people skills that she and I had never gotten together before. My dick, though, had decided to do the talking, and I ended up pulling her up the stairs to the second floor.

Since the party had been held at James’ house, I had full access to his bedroom. He was never picky about shit like that, just as long as I changed the sheets when I was finished. James said he didn’t want to fuck his girl in his bed with the possibility of getting covered in my jizz. Yeah, he was a pretty sick fuck, and I really didn’t know why we’d been friends for as long as we had.

When we got to his room, I turned her around and pushed her onto the bed face down. I’ll admit it—I was a giant prick back then. Still am if you ask certain people. The bitch was so hot for me—it was like her panties dropped at the sight of me.

As the actual fucking commenced, she made these God awful noises that would sterilize cats. I’m sure she thought she was making hot, porn star moans, but they made my cock want to crawl inside my body and never come back out. It was the first time, and the last time, I ever faked an orgasm.

I tried to will the contents of my stomach to stay down. James and Victoria were staring at me expectantly, as they waited for my answer.

“What time is it?” I asked. I had no desire to go—hell, I was leaving town in a matter of hours, but asked out of fake politeness.

“Party starts at eleven. Man, it’s going to be epic,” James gushed. No doubt he was imagining said epic-ness.

“Uh, yeah, I’ll be there. Tell Irina I’ll find her,” I lied.

“Yes!” James said with a fist pump. “Do you need a ride?”

“Naw, I’m cool, man,” I said, trying to get him to shut up so I could leave. “I have to get past my parents after they go to sleep. They’re being tyrants.”

“All right, I’ll see ya there. Don’t forget—eleven. God, I can’t wait!” James hollered, picking up Victoria and running out of the gym.

Motherfuck.

I was really starting to wonder what I had ever seen in that guy. He was an idiot, yet I’d thought of him as my best friend at one time. Fuck, until Bella, I was an idiot, as well.

I did regret that I’d miss the priceless looks on the faces of James, Victoria, and Irina when they realized that I wasn’t going to show. Okay, I really didn’t care that much about James and Victoria—they’d get over it. Irina, though, that was the person whose expression I would have loved to have seen. A big part of the reason I had had to hide my relationship with Bella was because of her. She had been nasty to every girl I’d slept with since that horrible night we’d spent together. Bella would have gotten it a million times worse since she was the first girlfriend I’d had since seventh grade. Irina would have been upset over it and would have made it her personal mission to humiliate Bella at every turn.

I feel sorry for the poor bastard she does end up sleeping with. Then again, I hope he gives that slut herpes or something.

.:.:.:.:.:.:.

Sighing, I decided it was time. I looked at the clock on my nightstand, seeing it was midnight. In a half an hour’s time, I’d be picking up Bella. I grabbed my bags and walked out of my room.

As I walked down the stairs to the first floor, I noticed the family portraits that lined the walls of the stairwell. To an outsider, the smiling faces showed a happy, loving family. I, on the other hand, knew better. Looking at my family, the regret I thought I might feel by leaving like I was didn’t come. I smiled and walked over to the front door, opening it so I could finally start my life.

.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.

“Hey, baby,” I said into the phone as she answered. “Are you about ready?”

“Hello to you, too, Edward,” Bella answered. I could hear the smile in her voice, which caused me to smile.

“Um…I just have a few more things to pack, and then I’m all set,” she said.

“I’m loading up the car right now. I’ll be leaving in a few minutes, so I’ll see you then,” I said. “Bella, I love you.”

“I love you, too. See you soon,” she said, ending the call.

I snapped my phone shut, put the last bag into the trunk, and slammed the trunk lid. Taking one last look at my childhood home, I got into my car and drove away.

.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.

Bella was standing at the corner of Fernway and forty-Second when I saw her. The headlights washed over her when I turned and caught her attention. She ran over to the car just as I stopped, opening the door and jumping in. I had to throw it in park because she attacked me with small kisses and was practically bouncing. I had never seen my girl this excited or happy, and it made me glad that I was the one who’d helped make it possible.

I pulled her to me, claiming her lips in a sweet kiss. She backed away after a few seconds and sat in the passenger’s seat.

“So, where are we going?” Bella asked.

I chuckled. “Anywhere we want,” I answered. “For tonight, though, I thought we could get a motel room. That way we can sleep and figure out where to go from there.”

“Okay, but not here. Anywhere but here,” she said in a small voice.

I nodded my head, agreeing with her. The sooner we ditched that one-horse town, the better.

I started the car and headed back onto the main stretch of road. She grabbed my hand, intertwining her fingers with mine. I squeezed her hand, and she smiled back at me.

When we passed the “Thanks for Visiting” sign, indicating we were outside the city limits, I breathed a sigh of relief. After everything, Bella and I had beaten the odds. They hadn’t won.

At that moment, the song on the radio changed—it was “Don’t Dream it’s Over” by Sixpence None the Richer.

I turned it up, thinking it fit perfectly.

.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.

There is freedom within, there is freedom without

Try to catch the deluge in a paper cup

There's a battle ahead, many battles are lost

But you'll never see the end of the road

While you're traveling with me

Hey now, hey now

Don't dream it's over

Hey now, hey now

When the world comes in

They come, they come

To build a wall between us

We know they won't win

Now I'm towing my car, there's a hole in the roof

My possessions are causing me suspicion but there's no proof

In the paper today tales of war and of waste

But you turn right over to the T.V. page

Hey now, hey now

Don't dream it's over

Hey now, hey now

When the world comes in

They come, they come

To build a wall between us

We know they won't win

--instrumental—

Now I'm walking again to the beat of a drum

And I'm counting the steps to the door of your heart

Only shadows ahead barely clearing the roof

Get to know the feeling of liberation and relief

Hey now, hey now

Don't dream it's over

Hey now, hey now

When the world comes in

They come, they come

To build a wall between us

Don't ever let them win

Of Nightmares and Lullabies

“Daddy!” I heard, as my four year old daughter, Renesmee, attached herself to my legs. Bending down, green eyes—my eyes—stared back at me. I smiled at her, grabbing under her small arms and pulling her to me.

“Where’s Mommy?” I asked.

She giggled. “She’s in da kitchen. She says I hab to come get you.”

“Is that so? Well, I’m glad you came and got me. I haven’t had any Eskimos today,” I said, shifting her in my arms and pointing to my nose.

“You’re so silly, Daddy,” Renesmee waved her finger at me.

I pouted playfully, and she threw her head back in laughter. That sound was the glue that held me together, and Renesmee was my light and happiness. My girl took pity on me and rubbed her nose with mine.

 “I wonder if Mommy’s going to make French toast this morning?” I pondered as I chuckled.

Renesmee’s eyes went wide, and she started wiggling, trying to remove herself from my hold. It was no secret in our house that French toast was her favorite food. If she could, she’d eat it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  

I released my squirming daughter, and she ran toward the kitchen, her bronze curls bouncing behind her. I looked down and noticed the wrinkles on my blue button-up shirt. Sighing, I tried to straighten it out as best I could. My boss would not be happy that I looked like a slob.

I made my way to the breakfast table where my two favorite girls were seated. Renesmee was sitting in her booster seat, devouring her French toast and dripping syrup all over herself. Sitting next to her was my rock, my lover, and my reason for getting up in the morning.

My Bella.

We’d been typical high school sweethearts and started dating when we were sixteen. After graduation, we attended the same East Coast university and went through the ups and downs that came with trying to keep a relationship and figuring ourselves out at the same time. It was hard, but it was so fucking worth it. We had come out stronger from because of it.

By the time we were college graduates, I knew I couldn’t wait any longer for that gorgeous creature to be my wife. I proposed spontaneously one night during a walk through the local park. I’d had the ring in my pocket for weeks, but the time never seemed right. That night, she’d looked so beautiful in the moonlight, and I realized a more perfect time would never present itself. I dropped down to one knee after we stopped, asking her to marry me. The moment she said yes made me feel like my life had finally started.

My sister, Alice, ended up planning our wedding. Bella and I were ready to kill her for the way she practically took over everything. In the end, though, we were grateful for her hard work. We were free to relax and just enjoy it, instead of freaking out over things that weren’t important. Tying myself to Bella was the best day of my life.

The second best was the day Renesmee was born. At first, when I found out Bella was pregnant, I freaked out. I was twenty-five years old and didn’t feel like I was ready for fatherhood. As Bella’s stomach grew, so did my love for the small person inside of her. Feeling our daughter kick was like a religious experience for me, because I had helped create the tiny creature.  

Once I held her in my arms for the first time, I knew I was a goner. There was nothing I wouldn’t do to keep her safe or see her smile. She was everything to me.

“Edward?” Bella asked, breaking me out of my musings.

“Huh?” I questioned dumbly.

“Where did you go just now? Your breakfast is getting cold,” Bella said, shaking her head in amusement.

Renesmee giggled. “Daddy is in twouuuuble.”

“See…that’s why you should always eat when you’re told. Even Daddies get in trouble when they don’t listen to Mommy,” I teased, poking my daughter’s stomach and making her squeal.

“Yep. Daddy better eat before he gets put in time out,” Bella warned in a playful tone.

I took a bite, glancing at my watch and noticing I had exactly forty minutes to get to work. Fuck. Since I’d been daydreaming and had gotten lost in my thoughts, there was a real chance I was going to be late to work. The bastard, better known as my boss, would love to write me up for it. I began eating faster and almost choked on a couple of bites.

“Slow down!” Bella yelled, laughing. “You’re not setting a very good example.”

I looked over at my daughter, noticing her watching me with wide eyes. I swallowed the bite in my mouth and cleared my throat.

“Renesmee,” I started, making eye contact. “Don’t eat like Daddy was. It’s not safe.”

She nodded seriously, holding my gaze. A chuckle threatened to burst out, but I held it in. The wife would have killed me if I laughed.

I downed my coffee and stood up. I really had to get going—morning traffic was horrible, and I if I continued to mess around, I would never make it on time.

Bella got up and picked up our daughter, following me to the door. As I put on my suit jacket, I stole a kiss from each of my girls and left the house. Whistling, I opened the car door and got inside. I looked over at the porch as I drove off, seeing Bella and Renesmee waving at me. I smiled and waved back, driving down the street toward work.  

…

One minute. That’s how close I came to being late. I sighed as I got up from my desk to get some coffee. Working as an accountant was boring as hell, and the caffeine fix was a must if I was going to stay awake at my desk for eight hours.

My day progressed slowly, as usual, and I was ready to step away from my desk at lunch time. Pulling out my phone as I left the building, I turned it on. Sometimes, Bella called me during the day just to say I love you or to let me talk to Renesmee. Honestly, those were the times I lived for, because it helped break up the monotony of my day.

We’d decided after our daughter was born that Bella would stay home with her. Bella and I felt better having her at home with her mother, rather than some stranger we might not be able to trust to take care of our precious girl. I made enough to make up for the lack of income coming in from another person working. Sure, we weren’t millionaires, but we were comfortable. The simple life we had with our daughter was more than enough.

I walked over to the deli across the street and ordered my lunch. Deciding it was too nice of a day to go back inside to eat, I sat down on one of the benches in front of the building. I wondered when my girls would call me as I ate. Seconds later, the phone rang. My girl must have been psychic and knew that I missed her. I picked up my phone and answered it.

“Edward!” Bella said frantically.

The tone of her voice stopped me short, and it took me a few seconds to recover so I could answer her.

“Edward, are you there?”  Bella continued in the same frightened voice.

“Baby, calm down.  What’s wrong?” I asked, hoping my words would pacify her.

“Oh, God. She’s gone.” Bella sobbed.

“Who is gone?” I asked, her words starting to scare me. “Calm down and tell me what’s going on.”

“I turned my back for a minute. Just a minute, and then she wasn’t there,” Bella said.

“Bella, please,” I begged, rubbing my forehead.

“Renesmee. She’s missing,” Bella cried.

I dropped the phone as the words registered.

No, she has to be mistaken.

I felt like my lungs were being squeezed tightly—I couldn’t breathe. Putting my head in between my legs, I began taking deep breaths, trying to stop what I knew was a panic attack coming on. After a few moments, I felt like I could function. I picked up the phone and listened as Bella continued to ramble about Renesmee being gone. I called out Bella’s name to quiet her down. She paused, and I spoke again.

“What do you mean Renesmee is missing, Bella? Tell me everything. I’m on my way.”

She told me they’d decided to go to the park after I’d gone to work. After she’d cleaned Renesmee up from breakfast, they had packed a picnic lunch and headed out. Bella had let her play before eating, and she had seen one of her friends, Charlotte, there. Her daughter, Katie, had been with her, and the girls had run off to play in the sandbox.

Bella said she and Charlotte had sat down on a bench nearby to talk, watching the girls. Sometime later, another woman they both knew had come up to them, and they’d begun talking about her pregnancy. Bella had helped the woman when she’d dropped something, and she insisted it only took a minute. When questioned, Katie had said there had been a man standing near the girls, asking for them to help him find his puppy. The little girl said she had been scared of the guy and started to walk away, but Renesmee had wanted to help. In the time between Bella being distracted and Katie running to the adults to get help, Renesmee had disappeared.

I ran to my car as Bella told me the events leading up to my daughter’s disappearance. As I listened, I felt sick. We’d told Renesmee over and over again the dangers of talking to strangers, drilling it into her head that an adult does not need a child’s help. Bella and I both stressed that it was a way for a bad person to get a child alone and take them away.

Why? Why didn’t she listen?

No, I wasn’t going to go there. It wasn’t her fault. She was four fucking years old. Bella should have been watching her closer.

Stop it, Edward. Blaming Bella isn’t going to find Renesmee.

As I got into my car, I contemplated running upstairs to my office and explaining the situation to my boss. That thought, though, vanished as quickly as it came. In that moment, I didn’t give a fuck about my job. I could always find another one. I only had one daughter.

I pulled out of the parking lot and sped toward the park. Even though Bella hadn’t mentioned which one, I knew where they were. There was one park that Renesmee loved, and they always frequented it.

Bella finally stopped talking as I got closer to her.

“Did you at least call the police?” I asked, trying not to sound like a jerk.

“Of course I did,” she replied, sniffing. “I called my dad, and then I called you.”

That made me feel a little better. The longer it took for law enforcement to get involved, the longer…I couldn't even finish that thought.

Calling Charlie, Bella’s father, had been a good idea. He was Chief of Police, and if anyone could get an investigation going quickly, it was that man. Knowing he would do everything in his power and use every resource available to bring our little girl home was the only thing keeping me from breaking down.

I started to speak, but I heard Charlie’s voice in the background. He was asking Bella questions. I told her that I’d be there in a few minutes and hung up the phone, concentrating on weaving in and out of traffic so I could get there sooner.

I screeched to a stop when I reached the edge of the park, turned off the car, and jumped out. Bella and Charlie were standing by the swings. I ran over to them as fast as I could.

“Bella!” I called out, trying to push passed the crowd that had gathered. An officer tried to stop me, stating it was a crime scene and I wasn’t allowed to cross it. It was then I noticed the yellow tape sectioning off different parts of the park. I began arguing with the man, telling him it was my daughter they were looking for.

Just as I pulled my arm back to punch the bastard in the face, Charlie sprinted over and dragged me through the barricade. He explained who I was and that it was okay for me to come through. Fucker. Officer Shit Head should have listened to me.

“Edward, are you insane?” Charlie admonished me. “Punching an officer of the law and ending up in jail is not what my daughter needs to deal with right now.”

I hung my head as he dragged me over to my wife. He was right, but I felt like I had to do something, to hurt someone, to help straighten out the mess of emotions swirling around in my head.

Bella flung herself into my arms when I finally made it to her. She held on to me tightly and started sobbing into my shoulder. Her pain was what broke me. My legs gave out, and we tumbled to the ground as I let out everything I’d been holding in.

The sounds of our cries mingled together as the despair claimed us. I felt so fucking helpless, because I had no idea where my daughter was or where to start looking. I was supposed to be her protector—the man that scared the monsters away. I’d failed her before I’d even known a threat existed.

That thought drove the grief away and replaced it with anger. I was angry at everything. The man that had taken her away, Bella for not watching our daughter closer, and the officers wandering around the “crime scene,” looking like the situation wasn’t as serious as it was. The sight of cops standing around, doing absolutely nothing other than drinking their coffee and wasting space, made me see red.

My arms released my wife as I stood. I could hear her voice, but I couldn’t understand her words. Instead, I had my sights set on the two officers twenty paces ahead of me laughing and joking around. My legs carried me toward them without a conscious thought, and the next thing I knew, I was on the ground struggling against someone trying to put handcuffs on me. The words hit, Officer Newton, and jail flitted into my brain but did not register. I could also hear the sound of Charlie yelling at someone as I lay on the ground with a knee in my back.

“Sir, he assaulted an officer,” I heard a voice say.

“Let him up, now! He’s not thinking rationally,” Charlie said with authority.

“Rational or not, he broke the law,” the officer said.

“Son, he’s the father of the girl we’re looking for. Can you tell me that if you were in his position that you’d be acting any differently?” Charlie shouted.

“Sir, I—”

“Maybe if your men would do their fucking jobs instead of treating this like a goddamn party, then he might not have felt like taking a swing at Newton. Now, let him up, or I’ll suspend your whole squad. Do you understand me?” Charlie’s voice took on a frightening tone.

The arms holding me down let go, and the body pushing me into the dirt was removed. I pushed off the ground, brushing myself off once I was standing. An officer, most likely the one that had taken me down, looked at me with pity and then walked off. Before I could let that look piss me off even more, Charlie’s voice caught my attention.

“Boy, I don’t know what’s going on in your head, but you need to take Bella home.”

“Charlie, with all due respect—” I said, ready to refuse.

“I wasn’t asking. You’re only getting in the way. Let me handle things,” he said, dismissing me.

I stood there, stunned, as he walked away from me.

…

Four fucking days.

That was how long Renesmee had been gone. The police had combed the area, after Bella and I left, and couldn’t find anything other than a hair ribbon she’d been wearing. A few hours after she had gone missing, an Amber alert was issued with the descriptions of her and the man who had taken her. However, the kidnapper’s sketch had come from the account of a distraught, four year old Katie, and I didn’t put much faith in it.

Bella and I merely existed in the same house along with the ghost of the happy life we’d once had with our daughter. We hadn’t said more than a few pleasantries to each other for two days, and I’d moved into the guest bedroom. Sleeping next to her wasn’t possible. Even though I knew it was irrational, I still blamed Bella for not watching our daughter close enough.

My family and Bella’s father came around as much as they could, trying to give both Bella and I their love and support. Having them in the house had the opposite effect on me, though, and every time one of them went to comfort Bella when I wouldn’t, I’d leave the room.

I was never separated from my cell phone. I carried that fucking thing with me throughout the house, hoping and praying the call would come that she’d been found. So far, the phone had been silent. There were investigators looking into every small lead from a tip line that had been set up for my daughter’s case, but there had only been dead ends. I waited for one of them to call me, and as each hour passed that they didn’t, it crushed me further.

Bella and I were alone, for the first time in days. I sat down on the couch, pulling at my hair. Not knowing if Renesmee was okay, or safe…or…or…was slowly driving me crazy. I didn’t know what would come home to me when she was found—I refused to believe any other alternative—nor did I know how I was going to handle the aftermath.

“Edward,” Bella’s whispered voice broke me out of my thoughts.

“What,” I said in a short tone, refusing to look at her.

“Are you hungry? I made something…” Bella started to say.

“I don’t want anything,” I said in a dead voice, standing up to walk away.

“Please…” she said, grabbing my arm to stop me.

I jerked it away from her. “Just…don’t. Get off of me.”

“Edward,” she began to cry. “I need you. I—I can’t…its killing me.”

“It’s killing you?” I screamed, losing the last grip I had on the anger I had been trying to hold deep inside me. “It’s fucking killing me! You were supposed to be watching her, but instead you were more worried about gossiping! Our daughter is missing because of you!”

Bella was sobbing loudly, but her cries couldn’t break through the pain that was threatening to choke me. “I can’t comfort you…I can barely look at you, because when I do, all I see is some shadowy figure dragging Renesmee off into the darkness.”

Bella fell to her knees, breaking down. “Stop crying!”

She either couldn’t hear me or wouldn’t listen to me. I grabbed the first thing my hand came into contact with and threw it at the wall, and I watched as the vase my parents had gotten Bella and I as a wedding present shattered. The room became eerily quiet after the tinkling sound of glass falling to the ground ended. I looked down at my wife, the woman that I had vowed to love and honor, and felt sick.

I had just broken every promise that I’d made to love and take care of her, and I had to get out of there. The anger, pain, and betrayal I’d been feeling since that fateful day was turning me into someone I didn’t recognize at all. I backed away slowly and grabbed my car keys off the table in the foyer on my way out the door.

I peeled out of our driveway and drove with no destination in mind. I had to get away and find a way to deal with the feelings poisoning me, or I was going to do something that I’d regret for the rest of my life.

Unconsciously, I ended up in the spot that, at one time, had been mine and Bella’s. I parked along the dead end road and got out of the car. I knew if I made the half mile hike, I would end up at the edge of a stream. It was the place where I’d told her I’d loved her back in high school and became the place where we had gone to escape everything and just be us.

As I made the journey to the stream’s edge, it hit me how wrong it felt to be there without Bella. However, I felt compelled to keep going anyway. It was like something was pulling me toward the destination.

When the sight of the water came into view, I fell to my knees, overpowered by just how fucked everything had gotten since the last time I’d been there. In that moment in time, Bella and I were about to be married, and we felt that the magic of that place would somehow bless us. Coming back, it felt like I had cursed the beauty it once held.

I had been so focused on whose fault it was that my daughter was gone, not realizing that I was just trying to find something tangible to blame. The real person responsible was nothing more than smoke slipping through my fingers, and since I couldn’t take it out on him, I zeroed in on the one thing I could—my wife. In my misguided need to find fault, I had all but destroyed one of the only people that mattered to me. With each accusation, cold shoulder, and acidic word, I had slowly ripped Bella apart…piece by piece.

I could see that she felt guilty and—God—I just kept feeding into it. I, the person who was supposed to love her in good times and be her rock when things went bad, had done the opposite.

Pressing my forehead against the cold ground, I cried for my daughter, my wife, and myself. It hurt, so fucking much, and I didn’t know how to make it stop. I just wanted my daughter back, and I wanted to be the husband I was supposed to be, not the monster I’d become.

Eventually, the tears had run dry, and I lowered myself to the ground. I turned my head and lay on my stomach, letting the numb feeling that was starting to wash over me take hold. Wet, prickling raindrops hit my face, but I didn’t move. The cold beginning to seep into my skin didn’t matter. Nothing mattered anymore.

…

I didn’t know what time it was when I finally walked through my front door, except that it was dark outside. I climbed up the stairs and turned to the guest bedroom, wanting to fall into the bed and pass out—wet clothes and all. The door to what used to be mine and Bella’s room made me freeze when I caught sight of it out of the corner of my eye. In that moment, I was torn between staying in the numb state I’d fallen into by the stream and sleeping in the guest room, or taking a chance and seeking Bella out. I was hoping beyond hope that she’d take pity on me and pull me out of the dark I was slowly slipping into. I argued with myself for a few minutes and then made a decision.

I opened the door, walking in quietly. I didn’t want to wake Bella if she was sleeping. I took out some pajamas and stripped out of my wet clothes. After changing, I decided to grab my pillow and a blanket off the back of the chair in our room. I wasn’t worthy of sleeping with her that night. I had a lot of making up to do. Laying on the floor beside the bed, I prayed that I hadn’t messed things up so badly that I had no chance of making things right again.

That morning, I got up and immediately sought her out, apologizing for the way I had acted. It was two more days before Bella spoke to me. I told her why I’d said the things I’d said, but she just walked away from me.

In all that time, there was still no word as to where our little girl had gone. It was like she had disappeared into thin air. It pissed me off, but for the first time since it’d happened, I directed my anger at the person that was really to blame—the kidnapper. However, I was dying a little more inside each day.

“We can’t keep doing this,” my wife said as I heard the kitchen chair scrape across the floor. I looked up from my hands and watched Bella sit down to the right of me at the table. It wasn’t lost on me that the last time we had both sat together in the same spot, we’d been a family of three.

“I know. It’s my fault things are so bad between us. I’ll keep saying sorry until it makes it better, or I’ll do whatever it takes to make you forgive me. You don’t know how much I wish I could take all those hurtful words back,” I admitted, shame keeping me from making eye contact.

“You know, for the longest time, I did think it was my fault,” she said, not acknowledging my words. “I mean…what kind of mother doesn’t watch their kid closely. I don’t even like Gianna, but I was more worried about appearing polite than making sure Renesmee was safe. But then, it hit me. Regardless of what happened that day, it was out of my hands. Someone else made the decision to take her.”

I stared at the table, not knowing what to say. She was right—of course she was. There were times I’d taken Renesmee to the park myself, and I hadn’t kept my eye on her the entire time. With all the families that frequented the area, it created a false sense of security. Bella had probably felt the same way I had every time we’d gone…someone was bound to see something. A parent wouldn’t let another person’s child be stolen. Only…they did. Either someone had seen and hadn’t done anything, or they had been just like us. Not paying attention and sure that someone else would step in if needed.

“I just miss her so much…” she said, breaking off into a sob. I pulled her chair over to me and took her in my arms for the first time since we’d come home from the park six days before. She clung to me, soaking my shirt with her tears. Crying myself, I buried my face in her hair, letting her take my pain as I took hers. It was how things were supposed to be, and I finally realized it as we broke down.

…

On day seven, a search party had been formed. There had been no solid leads for the disappearance of our daughter, and law enforcement had given up hope that there would be a happy outcome. The news had upset Bella and me greatly, and both of us refused to believe it, going as far as to kick the investigator who informed us of that out of our house.

My father was the one who convinced me that we should join the search. After arguing with me for hours, he accused me of giving up. My temper flared—how dare he question me. He wasn’t the one living in hell, but the more he talked, the more he was able to make me see reason. We needed to find her. She could be out there…lost, scare, cold, alone. It was the motivation I needed to help me focus.

A central camp had been set up. Police had already combed the forest next to and around the park, and they had decided to look in a larger area. Dogs—trained to do things I couldn’t think about—joined with officers, and different people from the community gathered to help find Renesmee. Everyone was given a different map of a certain area to help them navigate the forest.

Bella decided to stay behind with my sister, Alice; my mother, Esme; and sister-in-law, Rose. They were going to help coordinate with the different groups, making sure everyone knew which area they were assigned to. My father, Carlisle; father-in-law, Charlie; brother, Emmett; and brother-in-law, Jasper, and I were going to pair off and try to cover as much ground as we could. I ended up with my father, and we’d decided to take a section to the east.

After getting our map and walkie-talkie, we headed in the direction we’d been assigned. Thirty minutes later, we were deep in the woods, far away from the other parties. The day was gray, like any other day in Forks, and everything was covered in a thick blanket of green. Dad and I looked in every possible nook, cranny, and crevice we came across, leaving no proverbial stone unturned. We moved slowly, purposely, and methodically through the dense vegetation.

I attempted to ignore the eerie feeling created by the trees closing off the sky, exuding a sinister atmosphere. The silence, save for the sound of our footsteps crushing the plants under our feet, felt wrong. I pressed on, trying to push away the claustrophobia the entire place had created.

A flash of blue caught my eye in a clearing, to the west, on the edge of the forest as we continued on, and I almost didn’t stop. Something, though, drew me in its direction.

“Edward, where are you going? We need to continue this way,” my father called out to my retreating form.

“Just a minute. I want to check something out!” I yelled back, not faltering in my steps.

I heard my father huff in frustration, and then the sound of his footsteps got closer, letting me know he was going to indulge my need to veer off the pre-set path. The trees gave way to a meadow-like area that formed a near perfect circle and, I could see the blue thing take shape beneath a large tree in the center. It was a tarp.

That tarp looked so out of place, standing out in the vast expanse of brown and green under that tree. When I reached it, I bent down and noticed that it wasn’t flat on the ground, but instead, it was bunched with a lump in the center. I looked back and saw Dad was behind me.

Turning back around, I picked the corner of the tarp up and tossed it to the side. The sight of the contents underneath made me fall on my ass.

“Edward! What is it?” my dad asked, concerned.

The wind had been knocked out of me, and I had lost the ability to form words. This is not happening. I’m dreaming—stuck in some goddamn nightmare. I need to wake up. Bella, if you hear me, please wake me up. Someone…anyone…please wake me up.

I heard the word “no” repeated over and over, until I realized that I was the one saying it. Unable to tear my eyes away, I sat on the ground, begging God that it was all a mistake and I was not looking at the broken, lifeless body of my four year old daughter.

Certain moments in life were said to imprint on your brain and leave a lasting impression for the rest of your life, helping to shape the person you were. The day I’d met Bella, the moment she’d said “I do,” and Renesmee’s birth had all been examples of them…and now this. I could feel my sanity fracture as I tried to process what was in front of me. It was too…surreal…terrifying…impossible.

I didn’t know how long I’d sat there, staring at the destruction of my happiness. The meaning of time…life…everything had ceased to exist. Except the pain. There was no way to escape the white hot agony radiating through my body. 

I felt someone shake my shoulder. “Son? Son…say something.”

I recognized the voice as Charlie’s right way. It was good he was there, because he carried a gun. Maybe he’d take pity on me and shoot me in the head, so I wouldn’t have to deal with my worst nightmare playing out in front of me.

“Are you okay, Edward?” my father’s voice asked.

Was I okay? I felt like someone had ripped my heart out of the center of my chest and poured battery acid into the wound. I wasn’t sure how he could think I’d be anything other than devastated, but I answered as honestly as I could.

“No, I’m not,” I said in a lifeless tone.

I got up mechanically from the ground and walked over to my father, turning away from the scene. Medical personnel and policemen had flooded the area, and I noticed the same yellow tape going up as before in the park. The reality of what was going on hit me, and I bent over, emptying the content of my stomach at the base of the tree.

“I’m sorry, son, but we have to go. Bella…she heard Carlisle over the walkie-talkie back at camp. She’s panicking and demanding to see you.”

Bella.

Fuck.

How was I supposed to tell her that…that…our lives were over?

I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and straightened up. It didn’t matter that I had no idea how I was going to do it…Bella needed to be told.

Walking back toward base camp felt like walking toward my doom. A million different scenarios as to how she was going to react ran through my mind. Any one of them had the power to break the small thread of composure I’d gained in the last few minutes.

My eyes found Bella once we entered the command post, pacing back and forth with Rose, Alice, and my mother trying to keep her calm. It didn’t look like it was working, though, because I watched as Alice began to pull her into an embrace. Bella shoved her away and started yelling. 

“Where’s Edward? I told you…I want my husband.”

I jogged over to her, and she fell into my arms as soon as I was in front of her. “Please, what happened? Tell me!”

“Baby, I…she’s…she’s gone.” Tears ran down my face, blurring everything around me.

“No,” Bella whispered, pushing me away.

“Please, baby…” I reached for her.

“No!” she screamed, backing away. “You’re lying! Where is my baby?”

“She’s gone, Bella. I—I…”

“You bastard!” she wailed, beating her small fists on my chest. “You were supposed to find her and bring her back to me.”

Bella collapsed onto the ground, hunched over and sobbing. I noticed my mother moving toward her, but I shook my head, silently telling her no. Right at that moment, I knew that she didn’t want anyone but me touching her. I knew…because I felt the same way about her. She and I were the only ones who could understand the crushing grief that had gripped us.

Getting down on my knees, I wrapped her in my arms as I leaned over—my chest touching her back. I held her as she screamed, cried, and cursed everything and everyone around her, whispering in her ear that we would figure out a way to get through it. It was the only thing I had left, and I had to believe in it.

…

For three days after, Bella and I locked ourselves in our bedroom and shut out the world. We refused phone calls, knocks on the door from family, and any other sign of someone trying to help or give sympathy. We didn’t want it or need it. Instead, we chose to lie on our bed, staring at each other. Her eyes were lifeless—the same as mine, I was sure. It was almost as if we’d both gone catatonic, unable to deal with the anguish of losing our daughter.

I was lost in the hell that had been created the moment I pulled back that tarp. The image of what lay under it would not leave my head, playing over and over on a loop. It even invaded my nightmares. On those occasions, Bella would hold me and rock me gently. I would do the same when she’d call out for our daughter in the darkness, plagued by bad dreams. The only thing I was thankful for was that she hadn’t been tainted by what had been in the woods. I’d take the torture a million times over to spare my wife that horrible pain.

On the fourth day, we finally made ourselves face reality. The autopsy had been completed, and we had found out what kind of a monster her kidnapper was. What she had suffered, according to the story her broken body had told the medical examiner.

It seemed the hits just kept on coming.

At the funeral home, as we went through different options for Renesmee’s service, it was all I could do to keep myself together.  Bella’s threshold for how much she could take was shattered the moment we walked into the room that held the caskets. The sight of a small, pink casket sent Bella to her knees. Our girl always said that it was her dream to lie on a soft cloud of pink. The damn thing was lined with bubblegum colored silk.

I picked my wife off the floor and dragged her away from it.

…

“We are gathered here today to celebrate the life of Renesmee Carlie Cullen. She is survived by her parents Edward and Bella Cullen, maternal grandfather Charlie Swan, paternal grandparents Carlisle and Esme Cullen, several aunts and uncles, and cousins. She was preceded in death by her maternal grandmother, Renee Swan.

“When a child is taken from us, the question ‘why’ comes to mind. Why would God choose to take such a beautiful little girl away from us? I cannot give you the reason…God works in mysterious ways…”

It was hard to sit in that church pew and listen to the pastor prattle on about God, His plan, and how fucking unfair the world was. In my mind, there was no fucking good reason that would explain why a small child should have to suffer such a violent death. If that was how God planned things…

Bella was sobbing next to me, while the rage inside of me built. I wasn’t even close to dealing with it at all. Sure, I comforted my wife like a good husband should. It was the only way I could seek penance for the asshole behavior I’d directed toward her in the beginning. Now, I was mad. Mad at God, the police force, and the fucking predator that ripped my family apart.

After the service, and once our daughter had been laid to rest for all eternity, we retired back to our house. I ignored the looks of pity and words of condolence. Wishing every person who uttered the words or sent a glance my way would be swallowed up by a black hole. The knowledge that they could go back to their happy lives, tuck their children in at bedtime, and forget about the last couple of weeks, even for a moment, made me hate them.

Bella and I got through the reception the best way we knew how, with copious amounts of alcohol on my end, and Bella saying she had to lie down—taking some sleeping pills before crawling into our bed.

My father chastised me, like I knew he would, but I pointed out that all of his children were living and mine, the only one I’d had, was six feet under. Shocked gasps and admonishments followed me as I made my way to Bella. She’d had the right idea to seek some kind of escape.

…

It took us months of crying, screaming, drug and alcohol abuse, therapy, and finally acceptance before Bella and I came to the place where we were able to begin to heal from our shared tragedy.

During it all, we never again turned on each other. Instead, we sunk into a desperate and unhealthy co-dependence, to the detriment of my job and our health. It took both our fathers putting the proverbial mirror in front of our eyes and telling us that our daughter would not want us to live that way before we left our self-destructive paths.

The first step, once we’d realized what we had done to ourselves, was to find a way to let go of what had happened. With encouragement from our therapist, and the support of our family, we made the trek in the woods to the tree where my father and I first found Renesmee’s body. It would be the first time that any of the family, besides Dad, Charlie, or myself, had been to that spot.

I had one arm wrapped tightly around Bella’s waist as we made the journey. In my other hand, I carried a small, wooden cross. Even though her body rested in the cemetery, Bella and I both felt that, somehow, it was fitting to mark the place where her life ended. And to show that, even in that desperate spot, she had not been forgotten.

Our family was in tears as we passed into the clearing, and the air was heavy with grief. I let go of Bella and walked to where I’d found my daughter months before. I closed my eyes, trying to keep the images of that scene out of my mind. When I opened them, I drove the cross into the ground, making sure that it was set in deep.

I felt Bella come up behind me.

“I love you,” she whispered, placing her arms around me.

“I love you, too.”

Even though she had been taken away from us, I hoped that our little girl could see that her death hadn’t broken us. We would eventually heal from the tragedy, though we’d never forget.

The wind whipped through the trees, and in a moment of madness, I swore I could hear Renesmee’s tinkling laughter fill the clearing.