Chapter 2

~.~.~

I am Inside

June 10, 2003



She's a killer queen, gunpowder, gelatine
Dynamite with a laser beam
Guaranteed to blow your mind
Anytime

I leaned over the arm of the couch and grabbed my phone off of the glass-topped side table. Looking at the caller ID screen, I noticed Alice was calling me. I pushed the send button, flipped my hair over my shoulder, and placed it next to my ear.

“Hello, Alice,” I said in greeting.

“Hello to you, too, Bella,” Alice chirped.

“How are things?” I asked.

“Things are good. Look, I have an ulterior motive for calling,” she began.

“Uh-Huh,” I said. “And what might that be?”

“Mom wants everyone to come over for dinner next week, and she asked me to call and inviteyouandEdward,” she stated, running the last few words together.

“She wants Edward and me there?” I questioned.

“Yeah,” she replied; hope laced into her tone.

“I don’t know, Allie,” I started. “I’m not sure if that’s a good idea. You remember the last time Edward and Emmett were together in the same room. I don’t think your mom wants to patch up the drywall again,” I reminded her.

I was surprised that Esme, Edward’s mother, was inviting us to dinner via Alice. Everyone in the Cullen household knew that Edward and Emmett did not get along. It wasn’t always the case; they used to be as close as brothers could get. Two years ago, Emmett decided Thanksgiving was a good time to discuss Edward’s drug use.

~.~.~.~

November 22, 2001 – Thanksgiving Day

I was in the kitchen helping Rosalie, Emmett’s wife; Erin Whitlock, Jasper’s mom; Sue Clearwater, Charlie’s girlfriend; and Esme cook dinner. Edward, meanwhile, was in the rec room with Emmett, his dad, Carlisle, Charlie, and Julian Whitlock, Jasper’s dad, watching the football game. He later told me that during halftime, Emmett asked if he could talk to him in private.

Not thinking anything of the request, he agreed. Both men left the room and headed up to Edward’s bedroom on the third floor. Upon entering the room, Edward said Emmett started badgering him about the choices he was making in his life. Edward told him that it was none of his business. They argued for a long time. Most of the topics ranged from his irresponsibility, to lack of interest in college, Jasper, and how he treated me. Apparently, when my name was thrown into the mix, Edward lost his cool.

He got into Emmett’s face and told him that he needed to back off. That it was one thing to bitch at him about not going to college, or how Jasper was holding him back, but I was a topic that was off limits. And if he ever tried to tell him that I was better off with someone else, he wouldn’t be responsible for his actions.

The girls, at the same time, had worked tirelessly in the kitchen. We had laughed and told embarrassing stories about our men. Well, all of us except for Alice. She was single at the time. Instead she dodged questions about her and Jasper, since everyone knew that they both harbored deep feelings for each other. Even though, neither one was willing to admit it.

While Erin told a particularly mortifying tale about her and Julian involving a hot tub and some lube, Edward burst through the kitchen with a look of pure rage on his face. He crossed the room, leaning his back up against the far wall. Concerned, I left the pot of noodles I was stirring and walked toward him. Halfway there, Edward let out a loud “fuck,” turned around, and punched the wall hard. The action caused his hand to go through it. I froze mid-step, and a chorus of shouts and gasps filled the room. His mother grabbed a towel, wet it, and ran over to him. She started fussing over his hand, which pissed him off even more. He told her back off and pulled his hand out of the wall. It was covered in little bits of plaster; blood was dripping from his knuckles. His mother timidly offered him the towel. He apologized for snapping and took it.

He raised his eyes from his hand while he took a deep breath. His eyes searched the room for me. When he spotted me, he walked until he was standing in front of me. I gently grabbed his injured hand, and the towel, to clean the wound. He watched as I carefully wiped the blood from his skin. Once I was convinced the blood had stopped flowing, I lowered the towel and noticed Edward’s intense stare. He placed his forehead to mine and closed his eyes, whispering he loved me and was sorry. His eye opened, while he leaned down and pecked my lips. Carlisle showed up to examine his cuts moments later.

~.~.~.~

Because of Emmett’s little “talk,” we hadn’t attended a family dinner since. Edward or I usually went to see Esme on our own or together, but we spent the holidays alone.

“…so I think Edward would be safe,” Allie stated.

Shit, I was totally lost in my own world and missed what she said. Ugh. I always seemed to space when a hard topic was brought up.

“Um, Allie, I didn’t catch what you said. Could you repeat it?” I murmured.

“I swear, you better not be trying to fuck my brother while I’m talking to you,” she warned. “I don’t need to hear either of your sex noises. I will be scarred for life.”

I winced. “He’s not here Alice, and I just got lost in my head. I’m sorry. Could you just tell me what you said?” I asked.

“Yeah, no problem, “she answered.

“Now, what did you say?” I questioned.

“Anyway, like I was saying. Rose and Emmett aren’t coming. Mom didn’t invite them. She just really wants to see the two of you,” Alice replied.

“I’ll have to talk to Edward about it. But, like I said, he’s not here right now,” I said with sadness coloring my tone. “Can I call you in a couple of days to let you know?”

“That’s fine, B, just don’t wait too long,” she said.

I heard a loud huff on the other end of the phone. I braced myself for what was going to come out of Alice’s mouth next.

“Look, Bella,” Alice started. “I usually keep my mouth shut when it comes to your relationship with my brother. But there is something that I have to say.”

Fuck, here it comes, I thought.

“Allie, please don’t,” I begged in a small voice.

“I’m sorry, but I have to say it,” she asserted. “What are you doing with my jackass of a brother? God, B, you have so much to offer. And, yet, where are you? At home on a Friday evening because your douche bag boyfriend is out doing god knows what with god knows whom.”

“Stop it,” I cried, as the tears gathered in my eyes.

“No, you don’t know what he’s doing…or who. I’m not saying this to hurt you. It’s to help you see. You need to realize that maybe it’s time to move on and find someone else,” Alice implored.

I wiped my eyes and answered her.

“How could you say something like that?” I gritted through my teeth. “He’s your fucking brother for Christ’s sake. Do you really think that little of him?”

She paused for a moment.

“I love my brother very much, but I’m tired of him treating you like dirt. Do you know why I’ve never pursued a relationship with Jasper, even though I know he wants one?” she asked.

“No, I don’t. Wait, how do you know Jasper likes you?” I asked, stunned she knew. I had always thought she was in the dark when it came to how he felt about her.

“Please, Bella, it’s not like it’s a big secret. But that’s not the point. The point is while I want him, I can’t handle his lifestyle. I don’t want to be left alone all the time to wonder if he’s fine, hurt, passed out in a bathroom somewhere, or banging some other chick because he’s too fucked up to realize what he’s doing. And it hurts me to see that that is exactly what you’re doing,” she said.

“Enough. I don’t want to hear anymore. I love Edward, and I trust him. He’s never cheated on me, and he never will. Just drop it.”

“Fine, he’s a saint,” Alice replied in a flat tone. “Just think of this instead. What about all the chemicals he’s putting into his body? You know if he keeps up like he is, he’s going to end up exactly like Dad…or worse—”

I pushed the end button. Frustrated, I threw the phone across the room, causing it to slam into the wall with a smack and falling to the floor. I interlaced my fingers together, raised my tightly clasped hands to my forehead, and squeezed my eyes shut. Fucking Alice always voiced her opinion when it wasn’t welcome. Tears welled up in my shut eyes, and a sob started to work its way up my throat. I pressed my lips together firmly, hoping to hold it in. The action failed, and I bawled openly. My body curled into the fetal position as I rested down on my side. I gave into my misery because Alice had touched a nerve. Truly, I wasn’t that naïve. I knew that when Edward went out, girls tried very hard to get him into their bed. He swore he never gave them the time of day, and he wouldn’t hurt me in that way. Not to mention, Carlisle’s situation was something I thought about daily.

Carlisle used to be an alcoholic himself. From the stories Esme, Alice, and Edward had told me, it was pretty bad. Since he was a respected doctor at the local hospital, he never drank before or while at work. When he was home, he would drink until he passed out. His binges took their toll on the family. Esme, for the most part, was a single parent of four. She not only had the responsibilities of raising three children, but she also had to take care of an adult that was like a child himself on good days. That woman was a saint to have put up with some of the stuff Carlisle pulled and still remained sane through everything. I was in awe of her strength. I wished that I was half the woman she was. I talked to her about some of the struggles I had, and she helped me because she knew what I was going through. She could relate in a way no one else in the family could.

Esme and I had many occasions where we talked about our respective others and traded “battle stories.” At those times, she was not Edwards’s mother. Instead, she was just another woman that had lived with an alcoholic. My favorite Drunk Carlisle story she had relayed was the one about him and the Christmas tree.

Esme had helped the kids put together the Christmas tree earlier in the evening. Alice, Edward, and Emmett were so proud of it. They had hoped to surprise their dad, but he never came home. So, they were sent to bed, and Esme stayed up waiting on him. Carlisle stumbled into the house at midnight, completely shitfaced. Esme jumped up and started yelling at him. Carlisle, ignoring her, thought the tree was a perfectly good place to relieve his bladder. Esme ran up to him and started hitting him, causing him to be knocked off balance. Since he was in no condition to stand up in the first place, he fell right into the tree with a crash. Needless to say, they were treeless Christmas morning.

Esme pleaded with Carlisle for many years to quit drinking. He thought he didn’t have a problem and refused every time she brought it up. The beginning stage of cirrhosis of the liver was the reason he embraced sobriety today. At a routine checkup, his doctor gave him the results of earlier tests. They showed that his liver was in trouble. The doctor told him to either quit drinking, or start planning his funeral, because he didn’t expect him to live for more than three years if he didn’t stop. Being a doctor himself, he knew exactly what would happen if he disregarded the advice. He took the news to heart and never looked back.

It was a shame that, by the time he was able to finally quit, his credibility with Edward was nonexistent. Edward told me once that when he was little, his dad was his hero. But, by the time Edward was twelve, and Carlisle had quit, he had already started his descent into what he called Hell. And his Hell was better than facing the disappointment that would happen if Carlisle failed.

I wiped my eyes and got up. Nothing like a good crying jag to sort your emotions out, I thought wryly. I stretched my neck out as my eyes traveled the room. The clock on the far wall read 5:42 p.m. I felt the sting of more tears and chanted in my head, I will not cry again. I will not cry again. My face felt sticky, so I decided to wash it. I tried to convince myself that it wasn’t important that Edward had been gone for the past six hours as I walked toward the master bath. When I entered, I went to the tap and turned on the water. I moved my hands into the stream and cupped them. The warm liquid felt good when I brought it to my face. My hands gripped the counter tightly; my head bowed. I was so aggravated. I wanted to know why it was so hard for Edward to keep his promises.

I raised my head and looked into the mirror. The woman that stared back at me had a grimace on her face. There were dark circles under her eyes. The flicker that once brightened the coffee brown color had faded. I wondered how this had happened and what led me to becoming the person staring back at me. The limbo I was living in wasn’t what I imagined life with Edward would be like when we were seventeen. Back then, I had firmly believed in Happily Ever After and thought I was getting mine, because I had my prince. At twenty-two, though, I felt cheated. My prince was an addict and alcoholic that left me to fend for myself, while he gallivanted around town doing god knows what. I started to question every decision I had made since I met Edward.

Damn Alice for making me question myself, I thought.

The sound of voices pulled me from my thoughts. Curious, I followed the sound. I entered the living room and found Edward and Jasper. They were seated on the couch, engrossed in the T.V. Both men turned their heads toward me at the sound of my footsteps. A huge grin broke out on Edward’s face as his eyes met mine. I saw red. Between the call from Alice and the fact he was now acting like he’d been here all day, I was furious. I turned on my heel and stomped out of the room. When I reached the kitchen, I started banging bowls around.

“Have you been crying? What’s wrong?” a silken voice asked from behind me.

I spun around. Edward was leaning on the kitchen island. Of course he picked up on the fact I’d been crying. I never could hide my feelings from him.

“What’s wrong? Nothing’s wrong. Everything is just peachy,” I said my voice rising with each word.

Edward hung his head. He reached up and pinched the bridge of his nose. His shoulders slumped; the posture of his body screamed defeat. I was slightly mollified by his demeanor. I figured it was about time he looked as bad as I felt.

“Bella, look, I’m sorry. I tried to get back here sooner, but Jasper –“he began. I cut him off.

“I don’t want to hear excuses. You’re always sorry, Edward. Yet, you keep doing the same things over and over again. You can say sorry all you want. Your actions tell a different story!” I shouted.

“God damn it, Bella, please just listen to me!” Edward yelled. “I tried to get back sooner. But fucking Jasper had to go to Hoquiam, and I couldn’t get here any faster.”

“Fuck you, Edward,” I sneered. “That’s a lame excuse. Why didn’t you just leave him? Huh?” I asked.

“I couldn’t. I rode with him,” Edward answered.

“Of course you did. You have an answer for everything, don’t you?” I questioned.

Edward stood there, looking like a scolded child. His hands were in his pockets, and his head hung low. The confident, cocky man I knew and loved was gone and was replaced by a remorseful one.

“Forget it. I don’t care anymore. Go and do what you want. You always do anyway,” I said.

I walked around him and left the room. On my way to the bedroom, Jasper grabbed my arm. He pulled me to a stop in front of him. Not wanting to hear what he had to say, I tried to pull my arm from his grasp. He held tighter, but not too tight, and effectively kept his hold. I gave up trying get away, because it proved to be futile. I looked at him with a bored expression.

“What do you want, Jasper?” I asked in a lifeless tone.

“Don’t be mad at him, baby B,” Jasper pleaded. “It really was my fault. He told me before we left that he had to get back here soon. I was looking for pills, and I could only find them in Hoquiam. If you’re going to be mad at someone, be mad at me. He was worried the entire time you’d be pissed and finally get fed up.”

I closed my eyes tightly. It was difficult to recognize whether Jasper was telling the truth, or if it was something he said to placate me. It was hard to hold onto the anger when Jasper acted as a sacrifice to the altar of my rage. Expelling a breath, I looked into his eyes. He squirmed under my scrutiny. The action made me question his sincerity.

“Okay, he went with you to Hoquiam, and he was stuck with you. That I can understand. What I want to know is why no one bothered to call me?” I asked.

“I don’t know why Edward didn’t call you, B. I swear, though, it wasn’t to intentionally upset you. I’m sure he just got talking and forgot the time,” Jasper answered.

“That’s not good enough, Jazz. God, do you think I’m that stupid? I know about all the girls that follow him around when you guys are out,” I said.

“Whoa, hold on a minute. You can’t honestly think he’d cheat on you. Come on, you know better than that,” Jasper said.

“What should I think? My fucking boyfriend is always with you,” I seethed.

“I promise you…he doesn’t even notice them. They could walk around naked, and he wouldn’t see them. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had a good laugh, because Edward pissed off some whore that wanted his attention but didn’t get it,” he assured me.

“Why should I believe you?” I asked. “You are his best friend. Isn’t it supposed to be bros before hoes or some shit like that?”

“Most of the time, that’s how it is, but not when it comes to you. I’m going to tell you something that I’ve never admitted to anyone, and I’ll deny it if you ever tell Edward, okay?” he asked, gauging my reaction.

I nodded my head. Whatever words that came next didn’t matter. Jasper was his best friend; of course he was going to defend Edward.

“I’m jealous of Edward,” he admitted. He glanced at me, but I couldn’t say anything. Talk about something that came out of left field. It was not what I expected him to say. Wait, why was he jealous?

“I want what you and Edward have. I thought I came close twice before, but it fell apart. You guys give me hope that there is someone out there for me, and I can’t let you give up without telling you that. God, Bella, that boy lives for you. Yeah, he’s not always here but that doesn’t mean you’re not on his mind. It would literally kill him to lose you,” Jasper confessed.

Well, that killed my righteous anger. How could I argue with something like that? Jasper was the person my boyfriend spent the most time with, and he was jealous of me? I was confused and was no longer sure if I should be mad at Edward or not.

I left the room and saw Edward sitting on the couch. He had his head in his hands. My steps must have alerted him to my presence, because he jumped up. His eyes were red rimmed and bloodshot. Almost as if he had tried to hold in tears. I didn’t want to be mad at him, but I wasn’t sure what to think anymore. Between the talk I’d had with Alice earlier and Jasper’s surprising confession, I was lost.

“Bella I…” he started to say.

I held up my hand. There were some things I had to get him to understand before I could even begin to think of forgiving him. I inhaled deeply and hoped I could stay strong.

“All right, Jasper explained some things to me. I understand when you’re out, you don’t always think to call me. But, damn it, you promised you’d be back soon. And soon doesn’t mean six hours later,” I said. He opened his mouth to speak. I shook my head. Edward closed it and motioned for me to continue.

“I can’t do this anymore,” I said. His face fell.

“Let me finish,” I pleaded. “I can’t be with someone that puts me last. It hurts to think the one person who is supposed to love me more than anything might not, because he’s never there. I’m tired of being left alone. Things have to change or…” I declared as my throat closed up.

“Don’t,” Edward whispered. “Please don’t say it. I’ll do anything, because I can’t lose you. Whatever you want—consider it done,” he urged.

I blinked back the tears that had gathered in my eyes. “If you mean it, then I want you to be home more,” I said.

He grabbed me and pulled me into his chest in a desperate embrace. I rested my head against his neck as he squeezed me tightly. I closed my eyes and tried not to cry. He kissed the top of my head, while he pulled back to look at my face.

“I didn’t realize,” Edward said as his voice cracked. “I just get so caught up in what I’m doing, and I don’t think. I never meant to hurt you, though. If that’s what you need, then I’ll do it,” he promised.

“Okay, Edward, I forgive you,” I said. “Well, for now anyway.”

Edward leaned his forehead against mine, and a small smile graced my lips as his eyes moved to my mouth. He licked his lips and leaned in toward my face. I angled my head and moved to meet him halfway. Our lips met in a chaste kiss.

“So, where’s my dope?” I asked as I pulled back a fraction of an inch. “You did get it, right?”

“Yeah, I got it. Its right here,” he said as he pointed toward his front pants pocket.

“Why were you crying earlier?” he asked as he pulled me to the couch. “I know I have no right to ask, but I hate to see you cry. Tell me, baby, how can I fix it?”

“No, it wasn’t you that made me cry. Alice called. She just said some things that hit too close to home,” I replied.

“It was about me, right? Fucking Alice,” he seethed.

“Hey, let it go. I’m over it. Its same tired argument she always has,” I said.

“No, fuck that. I’m tired of her trying to turn you against me. She needs to get over herself and worry about her own life. She should feel lucky I wasn’t here. I’d have told her to mind her own business,” he said.

“Edward,” I warned. “Just let it go. I don’t want you to start with her. She was concerned about me. Sure, she could have been more sympathetic, but she didn’t say anything that wasn’t true,” I pointed out.

He ignored me and sat back down. Edward took out his phone, dialing Alice’s number. As it was ringing, he put it on speaker phone.

“So you can hear what she says,” he said and winked at me. I rolled my eyes, knowing it was not going to end well.

The phone rang three times. Then, a lively female voice answered on the other end.

“Hello,” Alice said.

“Yeah, hello to you, too, dear sister,” Edward sneered.

“So what do I owe the pleasure of your call, Edward?” she said sarcastically.

“I heard you called Bella today,” he said.

“I did,” she said. “Oh, are you finally home now after getting your fill of chemicals? Or did your whore kick you out?” she said in an irritated tone.

“Damn it, Alice, knock it off. You know damn well I’m not cheating on her,” Edward snapped. “Quit talking about things you know nothing about.”

I sat stunned as they argued, unable to say anything. I had learned long ago to keep my mouth shut when they started. There was no way to get a word in, and if someone did, the focus usually switched to them. Edward and Alice were ruthless when they were pissed.

“Fuck you, Edward. Tell me then; what do you do when you’re gone? No one takes six hours to smoke a joint and drink a beer. Huh? Answer that,” Alice demanded.

“Jesus, Alice, I’m not here to argue about what I do when I’m not at home. Besides, the only person that has a right to demand an answer to that is Bella, and you aren’t her,” he said.

Alice let out a humorless laugh. “Okay fine, I’ll give you that, but…” she started. Edward cut her off.

“Look, I didn’t call to get into this with you,” Edward said. “The reason I called was to tell you that if you can’t keep your opinions to yourself, don’t call my girlfriend. When I got home, she’d been crying. I swear to God, Alice, it happens again, and I’m putting my foot up your ass,” he said with malice laced in his words.

“Oh, I’d like to see you try, Jackass!” Alice screeched. Edward ended the call and tossed the phone onto the floor. He looked over at me, and his crooked smile was spread across his face.

“Well, now she’s really going to be unbearable,” I muttered. “Thanks for throwing me under the bus,” I said sarcastically.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered as he brushed his nose against my cheek. This is what I had been missing. My Edward—the one who loved me fiercely, and the one who would fight for our relationship, come hell or high water. Even if he sometimes got it wrong and took his protective nature too far.

A throat cleared, effectively breaking the spell we had fallen under. I looked over to the hallway entrance and noticed Jasper was standing in the doorway. He had an amused smile on his face. Embarrassed, I ducked my head to cover my blush. Edward let out a small laugh.

“Well, I guess you two have made up,” Jasper assumed.

“All is good at casa de Cullen and Swan, right?” Edward asked as he looked in my direction.

“Yeah, we’re good,” I said.

He leaned back and stretched his arm along the back of the couch. I pecked his lips. He grabbed me and tucked me into his side, placing his hand on my shoulder.

“So,” Jasper began. “Are we going to fire one up or not?”

Chapter 1

~.~.~

I Don’t Need a Hero

June 10, 2003


I could not believe what I was seeing.

Wait.

Yes I could.

It wasn’t like that type of behavior was abnormal. I thought, maybe, after the last time, it wouldn’t happen again. I’d started to realize no amount of complaining, pleading, or bitching would change anything. No matter how many times I lectured, it had always fallen on deaf ears. I closed my eyes and counted to ten, and when I opened them again, the same scene stared back at me. A black Volvo S80 sat in the front yard. Instead of resting in the driveway, it was crookedly parked in the middle of the lawn. I walked over to the car and looked through the windshield.

The driver was asleep and slumped over the steering wheel. His clothes were wrinkled, while his hair was a chaotic mess. Typical Edward, I thought.

The neighbors and I had come to accept his shenanigans. At first, it was an issue. Forks finest had been called out to the house on more than one occasion, usually because Edward was drunk and passed out in his car parked in the yard. Charlie, my dad, had even taken a couple of these calls, much to my embarrassment. Since they had never caught him actually driving while drunk, they stopped coming. We had all become indifferent to his drunken mishaps, because it was the only way to cope with his idiocy.

“Jesus! The lawn is not a driveway, asshole,” I muttered to myself as I stepped back.

Well, I suppose coming straight home last night is out of the question, I thought sarcastically. I turned toward the house and away from the annoying sight in front of me. It was too early in the morning to deal with his shit. Making sure his drunken ass made it to bed wasn’t my responsibility, nor was it in my job description to keep him from embarrassment. I was his girlfriend, not his mom.

I stepped inside the house and looked around. God, I loved this place. It was the one thing I had let my boyfriend buy that I didn’t throw a fit over. I fell in love with the four bedrooms and three baths the moment I saw it. The home was painted in dull, muted colors when we first bought it. We updated the living room first. The walls were changed to a pale blue with white trim, and the carpet was replaced with light hardwood floors. Light blue and black accent rugs dotted the spaces not covered with furniture.

The kitchen had all of the modern amenities in place before we’d decided to decorate. It was a fairly large space. The cabinets and counters stretched across the entire right wall. The back wall housed the entrance to the laundry room and the back door, while to the left was a large picture window that you could see the garden from. Edward and I had decided in front of the window would be the perfect place for the breakfast table. Off center, toward the right, was an island. The floors were light gray shale, which we’d decided to keep. The walls were given a heather gray color to offset the dark wooden cabinets and granite counter tops.

Our bedroom was a large master suite, with a full sized bathroom attached to it. We chose a maroon, white, and black color scheme. The wall behind our bed became a maroon accent wall and the rest we painted white. The dressers and night tables were black lacquer, and we’d bought a black wrought iron bed to match. The bathroom we kept in classic white with white counters, cabinets, a shower, and a toilet. The shower, though, was big enough to fit four people. There were seven jets placed sporadically around the top and sides of it.

I sighed and moved toward the black leather couch on the far side of the living room to lie down. I never thought at twenty-two I’d be so tired. I turned on my back, contemplating the reasons and events that led me to feel that way. When I first moved back to that Podunk town five years before, I had never imagined my life would turn out the way it had. In the beginning, my move to Forks was supposed to be temporary. I’d do my time and then go to college somewhere sunny. Those plans went out the window the moment I came into contact with bright green eyes and reddish-brown sex hair. From that moment on, nothing in my life mattered if it didn’t include Edward Cullen.

~.~.~.~

Spring – 1998

Fate seemed to have a hand in the events that led me to move. My mother, Renee, was not what many would call maternal. Sure, she cared, but when the bills went unpaid, and you were eating Ramen noodles for the fifth night in a row for dinner, you started to wonder if your mother was all there. Six months before I decided to move, things changed. She met a guy named Phil Dwyer. He was responsible where she was flighty, reserved where she was blunt, and ordered while she was chaotic. It seemed doomed from the beginning, but somehow, they made it work. Deciding they couldn’t live without each other after three months of dating, the pair ended up getting married in Vegas. Having an irresponsible parent that weekend was golden. I thought the Jose Cuervo was still lingering in my system somewhere on the flight to Forks.

After catching the newlyweds humping on the kitchen table, I decided I needed to spend some quality time with Charlie, my dad. Besides, Renee wasn’t going to miss me. It was for the sake of my own sanity, really. Phil’s pasty ass and Mom’s legs sticking up in the air was a sight I was still trying to remove from my brain. Charlie, surprisingly, was quick to agree to take me in. After years of refusing to visit in Forks and making him go to California instead, I figured he’d tell me tough luck. That, thank God, didn’t happen. Even though we’d never been close enough to show our emotions, it was easy to live with Charlie.

The start of my relationship with Edward Cullen, however, wasn’t as simple. I met him my first day of school at Forks High, in first period English. Or, I should say, my ass met him in first period English. I was in a bad mood because my locker had gotten stuck, making me late for class. I could feel everyone’s eyes on me when I entered the room. My blush grew in intensity with every step I took toward Mr. Berty’s desk. Once he told me where my assigned seat was, I made my way down the row to the back. I tried to avoid the students that were probably whispering about me, with my head down and my hair shielding my face. Two seats away, my foot got caught on something, and I hit the floor with a smack.

My face was angled to the floor, and my ass was stuck up in the air for all to see. Laughter erupted, and after my prayer for a hole to suddenly open up and swallow me went unanswered, I began to get up using what pride I had left. I pushed off the floor with my hands, rising up on my knees and lifted my head. Looking up, I was startled by the brightest green eyes attached to the most stunning boy I had ever seen. He was slouched in his seat, and his auburn hair was lying haphazardly on his head. I let my eyes roam over him and noticed he was wearing a white t-shirt, loose fitting black jeans, and black Chucks. The shirt hugged his lithe and muscular form. His jeans hung low, exposing a peak of his underwear. I could tell he was tall, maybe six foot two, even though he was sitting down. I looked back up, and the smirk on his face when I met his eyes made my face heat up and my breath quicken. I swiftly stood up and made my way to my desk. Once again, I wished for the ability to disappear.

It took two weeks for me to look him in the eye after my graceful entrance. Edward, on the other hand, was almost obsessed with getting me to talk to him. He would wait for me at my locker before school, pass me notes in class, and stalk me at lunch. I didn’t know what he saw in me. I’d never been one of those girls that guys fell over themselves for. My bland, lifeless brown hair and dull brown eyes never made me stand out. But, like I said, he saw something in me. And God, he was relentless.

The third week of school, I caved. He was just so intense, and sweet, that I couldn’t resist any longer. We started hanging out in the mornings before the first bell, sipping coffee and chatting about music, books, movies, family, and anything else that popped into our heads. I had gotten to know a lot about Edward during that time. One of those things was that he had an older brother, Emmett, who was a junior at Duke University. At six feet two inches and two hundred and sixty pounds of pure muscle, he was also a defensive guard on the school’s football team. As the eldest, he felt it was his duty to give Edward shit about everything. Edward didn’t mind too much, calling him a “funny motherfucker.” His older sister by two years, Alice, was going to school at the University of Washington. She was the princess of the family, and much to Edward’s chagrin, always gave him grief about his, as she put it, “hobo chic” wardrobe. He loved Alice and her bouncy personality, but wished that she wouldn’t meddle so much in his life. I hung on his every word, eager to understand what made the magnificent boy tick.

Three weeks of discussion led us to friendship. It was during that time he finally started to trust me. Edward wasn’t the type to let his walls down easily, so I worked hard to be someone he would confide in. I also met his best friend, Jasper Whitlock. The bond they shared had been formed when they were in diapers. Their mothers had been best friends, so it was only natural that the boys became close, as well. When I was introduced to him, I thought he was cool. Jasper had the whole alluring rebel persona going for him. While Edward was calculating and aloof, Jasper was impulsive and friendly. Girls flocked to him and guys couldn’t help but admire Jazz. The dynamic of their relationship became apparent early on. Edward was the idea man, and Jasper implemented those ideas. Although both were honor students, they still managed to land themselves in the principal’s office more than once.

The greatest day of my young teenaged life was when Edward asked me to be his girlfriend. Jasper, Edward, and I were sitting in the lunchroom discussing a party that was coming up during the weekend. Jasper asked me if I was going with anyone, and I asked him what he meant. Usually, I’d go with Angela or, if I couldn’t find anyone else, Jessica, and I’d meet up with the guys later that night. So I told him I was doing the normal routine. He mentioned a few rumors of guys wanting to ask me to go and thought I might have accepted one of their offers. I laughed, remembering Yorkie’s and Newton’s pathetic attempts at trying to get me to be their dates to the party. I told him about it, and we sat there laughing until we cried. Edward, though, was quiet. It was the first time he didn’t make a snarky comment about Newton asking me on a date, and believe me, there were tons.

He ignored me the rest of the day, and I began to get worried. I wondered what I’d done to piss him off. Our friendship was solid, or so I had thought. I spent the remainder of the school day feeling depressed. After school, he took off, and I went home. I made dinner, did my homework, and got ready for bed. Edward didn’t call me once during that time. I was heartbroken. I had begun to fall in love with him, and he was blowing me off. That night, I decided I wasn’t going to let him have any kind of power over me, and I was going to repress my feelings. It was better to have him in my life as a friend than to not have him at all.

A loud noise woke me up. I got out of bed and noticed a shadow in my bedroom window. I jumped, and the figure opened the window. I was frozen in my bed. A silken voice pleaded with me to not be scared. I knew immediately the voice belonged to Edward. My body relaxed, and I wondered what had brought him to my house. He came in the room looking better than anyone should. His gray shirt fit him perfectly, and his jeans hung low enough to show the tops of his black boxers. It was too good to be true—for Edward to be in my room—it was almost like a dream. I decided if I really was asleep, I might as well enjoy it.

His hair was in its usual untidy array, probably because he’d been running his fingers through it. I’d never been more jealous of a man’s fingers than in that moment. He didn’t say anything at first, just sat on my bed looking at his lap. As the bed shifted with his weight, I realized I truly was awake. I looked away from him, and my face heated up. Eventually, he’d found whatever courage he needed and spoke.

“Bella,” Edward looked at me. “I know I’ve acted like an ass today, and I don’t blame you if you can’t forgive me.”

It took me a minute to respond. To say I was shocked that he thought I was mad at him was an understatement. He was a guy that could have had any girl in the school, and he was worried what I thought? It didn’t make sense for handsome, brilliant Edward Cullen to be tripped up by the likes of boring, uninteresting Bella Swan. In the middle of my musing, I noticed that he was staring at me. Not with contempt, but with a strange emotion on his face. I broke out of my stupor to answer his comment.

“Edward, it’s fine. Really. There is nothing to forgive. I know you have other things going on besides me. Don’t worry; it takes more than one afternoon of the silent treatment to hurt my feelings—” My insecure ramblings were interrupted by Edward clearing his throat.

“Ugh, I deserve your wrath, and you act like what I did was nothing. How can you forgive so easily?” Edward pinched the bridge of his nose and narrowed his eyes.

“Excuse me?” I asked, his words cutting me deeply.

“No. That’s not…just listen to me for a minute. I’ve never met anyone so fascinating and infuriating at the same time.”

I blinked at him, stunned.

He continued with his speech. “Look, I’m trying to explain why I acted like a jerk today. I’ve kept this inside for too long, and I need you to hear me out. Since you literally fell into my life, I have not been able to get you out of my head. You’re in my thoughts when I wake up, during school when I can’t see you, and the rest of the night until I go to bed. No, that’s not right. It’s not just before bed, but after I fall asleep as well. You’re in my dreams and I’m tired of trying to stay away from you. I didn’t want a girlfriend, but I can’t deny that I want you any longer,” he babbled, showing me the usual confidence Edward radiated was gone.

My eyes went wide. I gawked at him like it was the first time I’d seen him. Surely, that gorgeous creature did not just profess he wanted me. As what, I’m not sure. Yeah, he mentioned girlfriend, but that doesn’t necessarily mean...

“Bella, beautiful.” Edward chuckled. “Come back to me.”

I blinked a couple of times, trying to get rid of the haze nestled in my brain. I took another look at him and noticed he had a shy, embarrassed smile plastered on his face.

“E-Edward,” I stammered, staring at him. “I don’t know what to…”

He cut me off by placing a finger on my lip, and I noticed it was warm and soft against my mouth. His eyes stared where his finger rested, moving to lock with my own. Ever so gently, he removed it and placed his hands in his lap. A striking crooked grin broke out on his pale face, bright green eyes flickered with passion. He licked his lips and leaned forward.

“I love you. Would you be my girl?” Edward asked, taking my small hand in his large one.

I launched myself at his torso. My arms grabbed at his neck and pulled him to me tightly. I buried my nose in the crook of his neck and took a deep breath, his unique Edward scent filling my senses. It didn’t feel real. I had wished and hoped for something close to what had happened for weeks. I fell in love with him when I found out he had a kind heart and possessed a fierce loyalty for those he cared about from our daily talks. By some miracle, I had fallen into that category and he loved me, too. I was in Heaven.

“Um, Bella. Are you going to answer me?” Edward muttered into my hair.

“Oh, sorry!” I replied, pulling back and cringing. He answered my actions with a chuckle

“Yes, I would be honored to be your girl. Does that make you my boyfriend?” I asked, cocking my head to the side in contemplation.

“If that’s what you want to call me, then yes, I’m your boyfriend. Actually, you can call me anything you want. Except Eddie. I really hate that name. Please don’t call me that,” he said as he wrinkled his nose in slight disgust.

We were inseparable after he declared himself, and Jazz took our new relationship status in stride. He was happy that Edward, as he put it, “stopped being a pussy whipped bitch” and finally asked me out. It wasn’t always easy, though, being Edward’s girlfriend. Lots of envious girls and determined boys try to break us up. However, it was almost like he and I lived in our own little bubble. We, I thought, had built a solid foundation with our friendship. No matter how hard they tried, no one could penetrate our bond.

~.~.~.~

I was pulled out of my thoughts by a thud, and it was followed by a stream of expletives.

“Ahhh, that fucking hurt,” Edward said, slurring his words.

I sat up and looked in the direction of the front door. My handsome, inebriated boyfriend was leaning on the frame. He rubbed his shoulder; his black, rumpled t-shirt was ripped at the neck, and the jeans he wore the night before hung from his hips. His hair stood on end, the bronze color dull from a whole day’s accumulation of oil and dirt. There were dark circles under his eyes, evidence he hadn’t slept for long. I shook my head in amusement and frustration. Edward was breathtaking, even when he was a mess.

“So, mind telling me how the car ended up in the yard again?” I asked with a hand on my hip.

“Um, I put it there…” Edward stated with a smile in his voice, raising his eyebrow in a silent challenge.

“Christ, Edward! You know Charlie is going to throw your ass in jail if you don’t quit driving drunk!” I screeched and threw up my hands in frustration.

“Damn, baby, take it down a notch,” Edward said as he wrinkled his nose. “You worry too much. I’m an excellent driver, drunk or not.”

He paused for a moment and looked over at me. A cocky, lopsided grin adorned his face.
“Besides, Charlie loves me.”

I huffed and closed my eyes. Of course, he had to use that smile on me; the one that made me forget my name and caused my clothes to spontaneously combust. Be strong Bella, I thought. Don’t let him get the upper hand. You are mad at him. He left last night to God knows where and didn’t come home until sometime this morning. Do not let his good looks and dazzling grin get the best of you.

I stood up and intended to leave the room. If I stayed, he’d win, and I couldn’t have that. I huffed and started to leave the room. Two strong arms grabbed me from behind.

“C’mon, Bella, I’m sorry,” he said against my ear. I closed my eyes, relishing in his touch. His hands moved to rest on my hips, and then he spun me around to face him. He moved his head upward, and his warm breath ignited the skin on my neck as his nose brushed the spot under my ear that drove me insane. I slid my arms up his torso, feeling a shiver run through him, and slipped them around his shoulders. I laid my head in the crook of his neck, and then I smelled his skin. His intoxicating Edward scent, and a stale bar stench, permeated my senses. I looked up at him and wrinkled my nose.

“Um…Edward?”

“Yeah?” he pulled back to look at me.

“You smell like a bar. Go take a shower please,” I pushed him away, because I didn't want to smell it anymore. He looked at me in astonishment for a moment, like he couldn’t believe I had dared to shove him. Then he smiled that deadly crooked grin again and lowered his hands to the hem of his shirt. While keeping his eyes on mine, he crossed them and began to raise it over his defined abs. I broke contact and followed the movement over his sculptured chest and strong neck. I think I whimpered, but I wasn’t sure. As he pulled it over his head, I looked down and noticed the prominent bulge that rested against his zipper. I licked my lips and moaned lightly, feeling that familiar tingling start to move up my spine. A faint chuckle escaped from the man that stood in front of me. Damn, he had caught me ogling his package.

“Care to join me?” Edward raked his eyes over my body.

I stood there and considered my options. God, I wanted to join him. However, I was pissed that he hadn’t come home the night before. The bed was cold, and I’d spent most of the night worried if he was okay—or even alive. Then again, my girly bits were starting to grow cob webs. Between the alcohol, the pills, and the pot Edward consumed on a daily basis, Edward Jr. hadn’t felt like playing for a while. It had been two weeks, and the last time we’d had sex had been a total disaster. I became lost in my thoughts as Edward brought his mouth to the tops of my breasts.

~.~.~.~

May 29, 2003

Edward had come home… blitzed out of his mind. I was asleep, and since he wanted “some pussy”, as he so eloquently put it, he woke me up. He had a hard time getting his clothes off while standing, managing to fall a few times during the process. Naked as the day he was born, he decided he had to take a piss. Instead of actually taking the twenty steps to the bathroom connected to the master bedroom, he decided the cactus Renee sent me for my birthday was more suitable. He then crawled into bed and began to disrobe me with a few mishaps, meaning my hair was pulled and my skin was pinched.

The best part was when the actual sex commenced. His cock missed my hole three times, with one resulting in a painful push into my urethral opening. Fun times, that’s for sure. When he finally entered me, his thrusts were erratic. His hot, heavy, and muscular body rested on top of my small frame like a boulder, while he nestled his head into my neck. The first few minutes I wasn’t into it and wished he would just come already. Then, I started to feel a small flutter in my abdomen. As I started to get wet and enjoy it, Edward stopped mid-thrust. I waited a moment, thinking he needed time to calm down. A loud snore above me broke that notion. I was pissed, and it took me a good hour to shove him off of me. I ended up taking a shower that night to relieve some tension.

~.~.~.~

Fuck it, I thought, as I came back to the present. I was in desperate need of a good, hard fucking. Bastard owed me for passing out while inside of me anyway. It had been even longer since shower sex had been an option. I could almost feel his long, powerful strokes as he pinned me to the shower wall with his hard body. I imagined my hands grabbing his hair as he sucked on my neck. In my head, I saw my tongue lick the water droplets off of his cheek, while my hips circled and angled themselves for maximum pleasure.

A throat cleared, causing me to look up. Edward had a knowing look on his face. His eyes were dark and hooded. Yeah, he knew I was thinking about getting it on in the shower. Slowly, he tilted his head and lowered his lips to mine. I closed my eyes, feeling his soft lips touch my own in a chaste kiss. He pulled back slightly and gently sucked my bottom lip into his mouth. His hands grabbed my belt loops, coaxing me toward him. As our bodies met, I could feel how ready he was for me. His top lip pushed between my own, and I couldn’t help but moan. Edward groaned and then…

Welcome to the jungle
We've got fun 'n' games
We got everything you want
Honey, we know the names

“Ignore it,” I pleaded, enticing his mouth for entrance to with my tongue.

“Yeah,” he mumbled as he angled my head and devoured me.

We are the people that can find
Whatever you may need
If you got the money, honey
We got your disease

“Mmmm, you taste sooo good,” Edward grunted as he places open-mouthed kisses on my neck.

In the jungle
Welcome to the jungle
Watch it bring you to your
shun, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, knees, knees

*Beep*

“Ahhhh,” I cried as his hand moved toward my breast.

Welcome to the jungle
We've got fun 'n' games
We got everything you want
Honey, we know the names

“Fuck!” Edward exclaimed while taking a step back. He reached into his front right pocket and took out his phone. Glancing at the caller ID, he swore under his breath and opened it. He placed it next to his ear while a look of frustration crossed his face.

“Jazz, man, this better be really fucking important,” Edward said in a deadly tone.

“Uh huh…yeah...no…I told that douche bag I’m not going higher than one fifty…I don’t care if it's quality shit. I’m not paying it…uh huh...hey, Jazz, hold on a sec,” he lowered the phone and put his hand over the receiver.

I crossed my arms and gave him the best glare I could muster. He looked up at me and inhaled deeply.

“Baby, I’m sorry, but I’ve got to take this. Two minutes and then we’ll pick up where we left off, okay?” Edward asked, his eyes pleading with me to understand.

“Whatever,” I uttered petulantly.

“Thanks, love. I swear, two minutes,” He gave me a chaste peck and walked around me toward the bedroom.

What. The. Fuck. I grabbed my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to scream and let all of my annoyance out, but somehow, I kept it in. Of course, Jazz always had impeccable timing. Asshole. The desire Edward had created was wreaking havoc with my emotions. I let go of my hair and shuffled to the couch. I’d lost him to Jazz and a drug deal; there was no need to be uncomfortable, because I had no idea how long the fuckery would take.

I wasn’t surprised Edward had left me horny to deal with Jasper’s drama. Edward’s best friend was the one with the connections, and since chemical substances were Edward’s first love, I was always left waiting. People asked me all the time why I’d stayed with Edward. My stock answer was that I loved him and couldn’t imagine life without him. Lately, though, that answer didn’t hold as much weight anymore. The reasons I loved with him were outweighed by his colossal fuck ups. Not that I thought I was perfect, because I was just as messed up as the next guy. I had to look at the big picture, and for what I wanted in the future, Edward was becoming less and less compatible. In hindsight, the signs had always been there. I was just too engrossed in him to notice them. No, that wasn't true. I never gave a shit because I wanted to be with him.

In the beginning of our relationship, I, in no way, knew that Edward was into drugs. Hell, I thought that he was against them because he never engaged in illicit substances in front of me. I smoked a joint at a party from time to time, but not Edward. He’d always declined and stuck to his two beers for the night. One particular party, however, changed everything I thought I knew. It was by accident that I learned my boyfriend and his side kick were drug users.

~.~.~.~

January 15, 1999

Alice decided to go out with us that night. She was in town for the weekend and wanted to spend some time with her brother. Jazz, who had had a major crush on her since he was five, thought it would be a good idea if he tagged along. So, the four of us piled into Jasper’s 1973 electric blue Plymouth Duster and drove to Tyler Crowley’s party. The night started like any other, with Edward and Jasper disappearing not long after we’d arrived, leaving Alice and I to fend for ourselves. It was a little strange, because Edward never left me at parties. I reasoned he wanted to give Alice and I time to ourselves while he hung out with his boy. We downed shots, danced with each other, and engaged in girl talk. It was fun. Then Alice spotted a guy from Port Angeles she used to date, excusing herself to go talk to him. Left alone, I looked at my watch and noticed the guys had been gone for an hour. I was a little worried, so I decided to go find them.

I checked the kitchen, living room, hallway, and bathroom downstairs. Not finding them, I decided to question Tyler. It was a known fact that anyone that attended one of his parties had to have permission to go upstairs since the door to the stairway was usually locked. He confirmed the two had gone to the second floor and let me go up. Starting at the beginning of the hallway, I systematically checked each room, making my way down the hallway. Toward the middle, I found them in a guest bedroom. Upon opening the door, I received one of the biggest shocks of my young life.

Bent over a desk, Edward had a rolled up dollar bill in his nose. While holding onto the side of his right nostril, he moved his head across a two inch line of powder on the surface, snorting the whole way. Jasper was off to the side, sniffing and rubbing his nose. I looked closer at the desktop, noticing the choppy, yellow substance, with three yellow pills and a lighter sitting beside it. The sight of Edward doing drugs, and seeing the paraphernalia spread out was surreal. I stood frozen in the doorway, unable to make myself known or leave. After finishing his line, Edward threw his head back and inhaled a deep breath. He opened his mouth and closed his eyes, and a look of complete euphoria engulfed his face. At the same time, Jazz noticed me. He tapped Edward on the shoulder and pointed toward the spot I was standing in. His exhilarated look vanished, and a mixture of horror, anger, and fear replaced it.

“What in the hell are you doing up here?” Edward questioned with a roar.

I jumped, startled, and answered in a timid voice. “I c-came looking for you because Alice left me.”

Pinching the bridge of his nose, he replied, “Damn it, Bella, you should have waited for me.”

I saw red. How dare he yell at me after he disappeared for an hour, making me have to come find him. And damn him for being mad when he was doing drugs while I was worried.

I found my voice and yelled, “Well, fuck you, Edward! I’ve been waiting for over an hour for you and your asshole friend to come back down… and for what! So you can snort something? You know what? Forget it. I don’t need this or you. I’m going back downstairs.”

I spun on my heel and marched out the door. Two strong arms surrounded me, hugging me to a hard, muscular body. Closing my eyes, I blew out a harsh breath. Edward’s masculine scent enveloped me.

“I’m sorry I yelled…okay?” Edward begged in a whispered tone. “It’s just, you surprised me. And I never wanted you to see this. I’ve tried very hard to keep this part of my life from contaminating you. You are so beautiful and too innocent for this kind of thing.”

I looked over my shoulder, staring at him incredulously. Seriously? That was the excuse he gave me? Edward released his hold on me, and I turned around to glare at him. He flinched while backing a couple of steps away.

“So, what exactly did you snort?” I asked.

“Clonazepam,” he answered, ashamed.

“You’re not going to, like, freak out or anything later, are you?” I questioned.

“No, I’ll be perfectly fine…perfectly safe,” he stated matter-of-factly.

“Oh, so then it’s okay if I do it, right?” I asked nonchalantly.

“Um, no, you’re not fucking doing it,” Edward spoke through clenched teeth.

“Either it’s perfectly safe, and I can take it, or it’s not. If it’s the latter, I’m taking you to the hospital to get checked out,” I declared, crossing my arms.

Edward looked up at the ceiling and clenched his eyes shut. A loud snigger erupted from the other side of the room. Shit, I had forgotten about Jazz. Edward whipped his head around and gave him a deadly look. Jasper threw his hands up in surrender.

Sighing, he hung his shoulders in defeat. He looked over toward the desk, then back to me. Edward stretched his hands out and jerked his head to the side. It was a silent gesture for me to join him. I walked over and took his hand, and then he led me to the desktop, handing me the tube-shaped currency. I leaned down to draw in the pill residue, but he grabbed my shoulder. I looked up, questioning his actions with my eyes.

“Wait! Let me…” Edward’s eyes were fixed on the pile of dust. He pulled a credit card out of his pocket. Using the card, he moved the substance into a pile. Next, he brought a small amount out of it, dragging it toward the edge. With the corner, he carefully manipulated the drug until it formed a fine line. After placing the card on the edge of the desk, Edward glanced back at me.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” he asked, giving me an out.

“Yup, give me that,” I said, pointing to the rolled up bill.

“Okay, then,” he muttered as he handed it to me.

I could tell by his stiff movements, Edward was not happy about introducing me to drugs. I guessed he thought it was better than me drinking myself into oblivion; only to be found by Newton, or someone else later on, who would have taken advantage of me in a compromised state of mind. Whatever the reason, he went along with it and instructed me on the proper way to snort Klonipins. The very moment the powder invaded my virgin nasal passage, I felt an intense burning sensation. I kept sniffing it up my nose as taught, setting my nostril on fire. Tossing my head back, I felt the residue, which was mixed with mucus, coat my throat. It was hard not to grimace as the bitter taste hit my taste buds on the way down.

The rest of the night, Edward never left my side. He questioned how I was feeling numerous times. It bugged me. Hell, I felt great. Maybe a little dizzy, but that didn’t affect the pleasure I was experiencing. We lost Jasper somewhere in between my ingestion of the drug, and us heading toward the party. I didn’t care, because I was having a blast with Edward.

When the party started to dwindle down, Alice came and found us. She was pissed, knowing right away that I had taken something, and Edward was the one who had given it to me. They argued as I sat back and watched in my drug induced stupor. He said I was a big girl and could handle myself. She said I was too good to take hard drugs, and it wasn’t right to let me, because I was naïve. Nor, she reasoned, was it appropriate to use my love as a way to persuade me. I laughed when she made that statement, causing Alice to glare at Edward. His only response to her accusation was to smile and kiss my forehead.

The rest of the night was a blur. I didn’t remember if we found Jazz or how we got home. The only thing I did remember, though, was waking up that afternoon with a horrible headache. Edward and I fought over the next two days about what had happened at the party. He was determined it was my last adventure with the heavier stuff. I was pissed because he had hidden his drug use from me. We eventually compromised—he would always tell me what he would take, and I, from that moment on, would never touch anything stronger than marijuana. It was an agreement we had stuck to since that day.

~.~.~.~

I looked toward the hallway, realizing Edward was still in the bedroom. I heaved a sigh. Since a drug run was inevitable, I wondered if he’d pick me up something. I was almost out, and it helped with the lonely nights. I was well aware my own drug use wasn’t helping the situation, but at that point, I didn’t give a damn.

“Bella,” Edward said as he entered the living room. I looked at him and noticed his hair was wet. He was also wearing fresh clothes. Damn, he could’ve at least come and gotten me. Knowing that I hadn’t even crossed his mind soured my mood, and I looked at him expectantly.

“Please, don’t look at me like that. I know, but I promise I won’t be gone for long. Jazz and I are going to run to Newton’s and come right back. I swear on my love for you,” he said, his eyes begging me to accept to accept his words as truth.

“Whatever,” I replied in a detached tone. “Do me a favor, though. Pick me up a bag while you’re out. I’m low, and I really hate dealing with that douche.”

He smirked and shook his head. Edward was well aware of the trouble I had with Newton. The dude still thought he had a shot with me and asked me out every chance he got. Dealing with him was a nightmare. Satisfied my request meant I was okay with him leaving, he crossed the room and sat beside me. He leaned down and captured my mouth with his own. It was not a passionate, I want to take you on the couch kiss, but one that said I love you, and I’ll miss you. A few chaste pecks ended it, and he pulled away. He promised again he wouldn’t be long.

I watched him as he left through the front door. I hoped that he’d meant it and would be back soon. Even though most of the time he acted like he didn’t care, I still missed my boyfriend. I just wasn’t willing to hold my breath for a quick return.

Chapter 3

~.~.~

Roulette

June 10, 2003


Jasper placed the rolled up paper between his lips. His tongue peeked out, trailing across the white parchment. Long fingers pulled it from his mouth and twisted the ends. He turned it a couple of times, checking for flaws in the wrapping. Once he was satisfied, he passed it to Edward.

“It’s her weed. She should get a hit before me,” Jasper said.

Edward nodded. He reached into his pants pocket and pulled out his lighter. Placing it to his lips, he lit the end. With a deep pull, he inhaled into his lungs. He turned toward me and held out the marijuana cigarette. I took it from him, grasping it between my thumb and index finger while bringing it to my face to take a drag. As the smoke entered my lungs, all of the hurt, anger, loneliness, and despair disappeared and floated into the atmosphere. My muscles relaxed when I held my breath. I exhaled and all was right in my world. It didn’t matter that Edward had been gone all day, causing tension in our precarious coupling. All that did matter was the high my brain was experiencing. I felt good.

I took two more puffs and passed it back to Edward, while leaning back on the sofa and closing my eyes. The release I was feeling was what I had needed all day, just a little something that guaranteed to take the edge off of my insecurities. Hell, if Alice had called while I was stoned, I could have told her off myself. It amazed me what a little weed would do for my courage.

“Feeling better, baby?” Edward asked.

I opened my eyes. Edward was sporting his mesmerizing crooked grin. I smiled back and stretched; the bones in my body had turned to jelly. A throat cleared, and I turned toward the noise. Jasper had his hand extended in my direction, waiting for me to take the joint. I took it and repeated my cycle of tokes, passing it back to Edward. Puff. Puff. Pass. The three of us continued our formation until it was gone. After it was extinguished, I offered the small roach to Jasper. He happily placed it in his cigarette pack sitting next to him on the floor.

“Listen, baby B, I know you probably don’t want to hear anything about today. But I got to tell you this one thing,” Jasper began.

“It’s fine, Jasper,” I said. “I’m over it.”

He smiled at me. “Okay, so you remember Victoria?”

“Um…yeah,” I said.

“I ran into her today, while Edward was off getting your stuff. And, god, she is looking bad.”

“Okay, so what’s the punch line?” I asked, confused.

“She had her new boyfriend with her. When she saw me, she got excited and kept trying to touch me and shit,” he said with laughter in his voice. “Her boyfriend was getting pissed and would glare at me every chance he got. Funny thing was the dude had to weigh a buck thirty wet.”

I giggled as I tried to imagine the skinny guy he was describing. Jasper is tall, like six foot, with a decent amount of muscles. There was no way the person was going to win in a fight.

“So, I’m standing there, trying to get her vampire claws out of my skin, and this idiot walks right up to me. He puts his finger on my chest and says, ‘Get your hands off my woman.’ Ha. My woman…that is priceless,” he chortled. I fell over on my side and was consumed by laughter. Edward was not faring any better. He was bent over in hysterics. I remembered the first time I met “Victoria.”

~.~.~.~

July 2002

Jasper brought Victoria over to the house after they had been dating for 3 months. My first impression of her was she was freakishly tall, and I felt like a dwarf next to her. Her bright blue eyes, long flaming red hair, and voluptuous body intimidated me. Surprisingly, though, she was very nice, and she tried, on more than one occasion, to make me feel at ease. After that night, I was glad Jasper had Victoria. I felt like maybe since he had someone too, his need to hang out with Edward constantly would diminish. I was wrong.

Three weeks later, we woke up to a loud pounding on our front door. Edward, ever the protector, went to answer it with a bat in his hand. Fifteen minutes later, Edward had still not returned. I tip-toed out of the room, hoping whatever or whoever was at the door hadn’t hurt him. The sight that met me was not what I was expecting. Jasper was sitting in the black leather recliner, with his head in his hands as he rocked back and forth. Edward had his hand on Jasper’s shoulder, occasionally giving it a pat. I furrowed my eyebrows and wondered what the hell was going on.

I cleared my throat and both men’s heads shot up. Edward grimaced. Jasper, well, he looked like someone had taken a sledgehammer to his car—the car he rebuilt himself and loved more than his own life. His face was contorted in a scowl. Anger, confusion, and self-loathing danced in the depths of his cornflower blue eyes. I gasped. I wondered what had happened to make him react that way. Edward looked in my direction and shook his head. He tried to convey in that gesture to drop it. Jasper sighed and looked at me.

“Well, I guess I better tell you, too, B. I know you and Edward have no secret. You’ll find out soon anyway,” he said, resigned.

I walked over to him. He placed his hand on my arm and led me to the couch. Turning toward me, he explained.

“Okay, so you know I’ve been seeing Victoria?” he asked. I nodded my head.

“Well, for the past three weeks, I’ve been trying to seal the deal with her,” he said.

My face got hot and turned bright red. He chuckled.

“Sorry, shouldn’t have said it like that,” he said with a small smile.

“But, well, tonight she finally decided the time was right. God, things started out great,” he mused. A faraway look graced his eyes when he paused. I waited for him to come back. A few minutes later, he shook his stupor off and apologized.

“Anyway…fuck, this is hard,” he said. His hand came up and wiped the imaginary sweat off his face.

“I told her I loved her. I’ve never said that to a woman before,” Jasper admitted. “It felt good. She was, of course, overjoyed. Said she loved me too, and that she was ready.”

“One thing led to another and…” he grimaced. “We, ah, we were groping each other.”

I looked at him confused. I still didn’t understand what the problem was. I wondered to myself if she bit him or something. Jasper let out a strangled groan.

“She fucking had a penis, okay?! The first girl I ever admitted I loved was really a man with breast implants!” he exclaimed. He bent forward and thrust his head into his hands. They pulled on the golden strands until it looked like he was going to tear them out. I reached out, taking his hands in mine. The pain in Jasper’s eyes was startling.

I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, so I sat frozen in shock. I knew how hard Jasper had had it. Alice, who he carried a torch for, acted like he didn’t exist. That time, someone who might have helped him move on from the torture was a gay man? Or was he a transvestite? A gay transvestite that could convincingly pass as a woman with her surgically enhanced breasts? Wait, maybe Victoria really preferred to be called “he”? Oh, fuck it. I let the convoluted thoughts die. They made me dizzy.

I sat next to Jasper, and he told me what had happened after the shocking reveal. ” Victoria” told him he had been born James William Kincaid, and he had always known something was different about him—he wasn’t happy until he finally started dressing like a woman and got the implants. When James/Victoria began telling him about how once the surgery to fully turn him into a woman was complete, that he/she wanted Jasper to be the first, Jasper told me he lost his shit. He confessed he was overly cruel and told him that they were through. He felt bad for the way he acted, but he rationalized it as a reaction from being lied to. Jasper reasoned he probably would not have reacted as badly if he had the facts in the beginning. It took him weeks to return to his old self, even longer to see the humor in the situation. Once he’d gotten past his pain, it had become a secret joke between the three of us.

~.~.~.~

“Oh God, dude, I needed that,” Edward chortled, while he wiped tears from his eyes. “I wondered why you looked like you wanted to leave when I came back out.”

I listened as the boys recounted their drug run in Hoquiam. The “Victoria” situation was the only messed up scenario I’d ever been involved in. Edward and Jasper, however, had tons of these stories. It seemed like their dealings into the underbelly of our quaint community provided many stories featuring the undesirables and the truly screwed up. It was a world that Edward talked about but never actually let me experience. It was another way he tried to protect me.

“Oh, I almost forgot,” I said, interrupting their conversation. “When Alice called, she invited us to your mom’s next weekend.”

Edward made a face. It was the reaction I expected. He, no doubt, figured it was another attempt by Esme to “heal” the family.

“I don’t think so, Bella,” he started. I cut him off.

“Just wait. Alice assured me that Emmett and Rosalie would not be there. She said your mom set up this dinner so she could see you.”

He squinted his eyes while he crinkled his nose, using what I called his “thoughtful face.” I bit my lip and wondered what he would decide. I was aware of not only the friction between Emmett and himself, but his father as well. Carlisle had tried to hide Edward’s trust fund from him. He had felt, at the time, Edward was not capable of managing such a large sum of money, nor had what it took to run a Fortune 500 company. His grandfather, Edward Masen, had started out in coal and had switched to communications later in life. These ventures had made him a very wealthy man.

When Edward’s grandfather had died, Carlisle and Esme had assumed most of his fortune, and the company, would go to her, his daughter. When the will was read, however, it was Edward who had inherited most of it. It left Esme, Alice, and Emmett with only five million dollars each. In the document, the reasons given were simple. He didn’t want Carlisle, who was still an alcoholic during that time, to “piss the money away on booze”. And, he thought Edward, who was his favorite grandchild, “was destined for greatness”. Thus, he would preserve the family traditions at Masen Unlimited. The company would be run by a proxy until his twenty-first birthday, and then it would transfer to him along with his trust fund.

Edward had had no clue about any of it. His family had kept the information pertaining to his trust fund and the company from him for years. It all had changed, however, not long after he turned nineteen.

~.~.~.~

May 30, 2001

I was at Edward’s house for dinner with his family. Since we still lived with our parents, we used any excuse to spend time together. Even if it meant we also had to spend time with the parental figures.

It was a typical Sunday meal, and Esme had outdone herself. Large platters of chicken, a heaping bowl of mashed potatoes, steaming dish of corn, and an overflowing basket of rolls adorned the long dining room table. Alice, Emmett, and Rosalie had also joined us. After we were seated, we tucked into the food. The occasional moan or appreciative groan interrupted the sound of forks scraping over plates. Halfway through the meal, however, Emmett brought up Alice’s inheritance. The one she was going to get next month…when she turned twenty-one.

Carlisle looked at Emmett with wide eyes as he shook his head. Immediately, Emmett ceased the conversation. The damage had been done, though, and Edward had heard, piquing his curiosity.

“What inheritance?” he asked, looking right at Carlisle.

“It’s nothing you need to worry about, son. Now, I was wondering, are you going to college next year? I think one year is long enough to put off your education…” Carlisle said as he tried to change the subject. Edward, however, wasn’t falling for it.

“Forget about college for a minute. What the hell was Emmett talking about? What fucking inheritance?” Edward seethed when he repeated his question.

Carlisle dropped his fork with a clang and rubbed his forehead with his hand. He moved it to his hair, dragging it through the locks. A breath expelled from his lungs as he turned in Emmett’s direction.

“You just had to bring it up, didn’t you, son?” Carlisle said to Emmett.

Emmett’s large frame slumped, and a look of remorse flitted across his face. Rosalie, who sat next to him, appeared livid. Her cold blue eyes flashed with anger. She looked in Edward’s and then my direction, wrinkling her nose at us. Turning to Carlisle, she pointed her finger at him.

“Oh, you might as well tell him. The fuck-up needs to know what he’s about to lose. Besides, rightfully, it belongs to Emmett,” Rosalie sneered.

The tension in the room was palpable. Each member of the family glared at one another, as if they were choosing sides. Edward was pissed. Esme looked like she wanted to crawl under a rock and die. Alice was smug. Carlisle appeared to be resolved. Emmett seemed remorseful. And I, well, I just wanted out of there. I knew the proverbial shit had hit the fan, and I wanted no part of it.

I started to get up but was stopped by a hand on my thigh. I glanced to my right and saw Edward. The look on his face pleaded with me to stay. I realized then that, regardless of how I felt about confrontation, I had to be there. It was likely no one was going to support him, and he was counting on me to be that person. I stayed seated.

“How much, Carlisle?” Edward asked with disdain.

Carlisle sighed. He met Edward’s gaze and squared his shoulders, like he was preparing himself for a fight.

“Two hundred and seventeen million, plus your grandfather’s company. That is what was left to you,” he said.

Edward stood up and started to pace. The veins in his neck bulged, and the skin on his face turned red. He balled up his fists when he made his third pass.

“So, why didn’t anyone tell me this?” Edward questioned.

“You would have found out before you turned twenty-one,” Esme muttered.

As those words left Esme’s mouth, Alice burst into giggles. Each set of eyes turned in her direction. When she calmed from her laughing fit, she wiped her eyes and sighed.

“Really? Then what was Rosalie implying when she made her comment?” Edward asked.

“You really want to know?” Rosalie questioned. Edward shook his head. “Fine, I will tell you because there is nothing you can do about it now. They have been trying to find a way to stop you from getting your money, the company, all of it. You don’t deserve it. Hell, Esme only received five million from her father because Carlisle was a drunk at the time. What makes you think you deserve it now that you are also a drunk and a druggie? You don’t. He should have never left it to you. Emmett is the oldest and deserves it more than you do…” Rosalie taunted.

A plate full of food flew across the room, hitting the wall and shattering on impact. Bits of chicken, potatoes, and corn painted the surface. Edward stood next to the table and was magnificent in his rage. His lips were pulled into a tight line, while the air in his lungs entered and exited in harsh pulls. Between his eyebrows, a crease had formed, and his eyes were the color of pitch. A terrifying, cruel laugh escaped his mouth.

“So, what you’re telling me, Rosalie…” Edward said, as he sneered the woman’s name. “Is the man I used to call ‘father’ is trying to steal from me,” he spat.
Every person at the table was silent. No one, except me, could look Edward in the eye. Suddenly, a heart-wrenching sob escaped from Esme. Carlisle reached over and took her in his arms. He raised his head, meeting Edward’s glare.

“No, son. No one is trying to steal from you. Your mother and I decided that five million, the same amount your brother and sister have, is more than enough. As for the rest of it, well, you have to think about the 115 people working for Masen Unlimited. The current CEO isn’t comfortable giving you control…”Carlisle explained.

“Fuck the company!” Edward roared.

“Excuse me?” Carlisle asked. His voice rising with each syllable.

“I know you heard me, old man. I said. FUCK. THE. COMPANY!” Edward yelled, emphasizing the last three words. “Give it to the current guy in charge. Hell, give it to Emmett. I don’t fucking care. But you will give me my inheritance. Just because you couldn’t handle your finances doesn’t mean I can’t handle mine. Now, here are your choices. Either you back off, or I take your ass to court. I guarantee you, if you choose the second option, this is the last time you will see me or Bella. As far as I’m concerned, every last person here will be dead to me. You will have no place in our future. So, think carefully before you decide,” Edward stated with a deadly calm voice.

Esme was openly sobbing. I wanted to comfort her, but I sat motionless in my chair. After Edward’s speech, I knew I couldn’t. He had just drawn the battle lines, and if I crossed it for any reason, I was sure he would take it as an affront. In his current state of mind, it would have been detrimental to our relationship.

Edward walked over to where I was sitting and stood behind my chair. His hands came up and rested on the back of my neck. He massaged the muscles as he stared down the people he once trusted without question. After a few moments, it was Esme who answered.

“All right, Edward. Your father and I will cease all attempts to take over your trust fund,” Esme promised.

“Esme, you can’t be serious…”Carlisle started.

“Enough!” Esme yelled with authority. “I will not lose my son over something as trivial as money. Edward, I’m sorry. I hope one day you can forgive us. We really were trying to look out for you,” she said.

Edward’s hands fell from my neck. He reached down, taking his hand in mine. I squeezed it, and he pulled me to a standing position. He started toward the door, and I followed. Edward and I didn’t see his family again for six months.

On his twenty-first birthday, Edward had come into possession of his inheritance. He had decided, even after his Thanksgiving Day fight with Emmett, to sign his grandfather’s company over to his brother. Esme had been the deciding factor in the decision. She had pleaded with him for months beforehand, stating his grandfather would have wanted it to stay in the family. He had caved, since he had no intention of running it himself.

Two weeks after he received the money, he purchased our house. He wanted to make sure, in his words, we would never be separated again. And, to prove that I was the only person he could trust, he put my name on the deed with his.

~.~.~.~

I broke from my thoughts. Edward cleared his throat and looked at me. “We’ll go. I haven’t seen Mom in awhile,” he said. I smiled, secretly pleased, because I had hoped we would go. I missed Esme.

“Hey, Jazz. Want to go, too?” he asked as he looked at Jasper.

“Sure, man. You know I could never turn down Mama Cullen’s cooking,” he said.

My heart sank. Of course Jasper was invited. It wasn’t like Edward spent every moment with him anyway, I thought sarcastically. The previous happy mood I had disappeared…I didn’t understand. Couldn’t Edward and I have just one night away from him? It wasn’t that I hated Jasper, no, I considered him one of the few friends I had. But, sometimes, I wanted to do things that involved only my boyfriend and me.

I noticed Edward staring at me with a frown on his face. Crap, did I miss something? I thought. I looked up and saw Jasper was gone. Huh. He left, and I didn’t notice.

“So, what’s going on in that brain of yours?” Edward asked. He cocked his head to the side.

“Nothing important,” I said. “So, where did Jasper go?”

“He had some things to do,” he answered.

“Huh.” I said dumbly.

“I’ve been thinking,” Edward started. He took the collar of my shirt between his thumb and forefinger, while he ran them across the material. The corner of his mouth pulled up in a small smile.

“I was wondering if you wanted to do something tomorrow. It feels like I haven’t taken my girl out on a proper date in forever,” he muttered. His eyes never left mine.

Inside, I was screaming like a fangirl. I tried to hide the huge grin that wanted to break out on my face. It had been a long time since we had done anything together, and I craved his company.

I toyed with the hem of my shirt, trying to fake nonchalance. “I don’t know, Edward. I kind of had plans tomorrow,” I lied.

“Oh, what plans?” he inquired as he tried to hide the hurt in his voice.

I felt bad for teasing him. I decided to put him out of his misery. “You know, clean the house. Wash my hair,” I joked with a smile.

He launched himself at me. His hands grabbed my sides and began tickling me. The force of his assault pushed me onto my back. Edward hovered over me, while he continued his attack, causing me to shriek. The dance of his fingers across my ribs made my muscles tense and release. A fluttering sensation in my side triggered my squirming. I begged for mercy, but he refused. He demanded I apologize for tricking him.

“I’m sorry,” I squealed. “Please, let me up.”

Edward released me with a smug smile on his face. I huffed and sat up. Out of breath, my chest heaved up and down, trying to regulate to a normal breathing pattern. My face was burning from overexertion. Stupid, smug boyfriend, I thought.

The rest of the night we relaxed. It was nice to reconnect with Edward…something that had been missing from our relationship for a while. We talked about things of no importance, and when both of us could barely keep our eyes open, we decided it was time for bed. Edward helped me up and led me to the bedroom. Each of us took our time getting undressed because neither one wanted to rush. I caught him watching me when I pulled my night shirt over my head. He rolled his eyes and smirked.

I left the room to do my nightly ritual, and Edward followed seconds later. We brushed our teeth in tandem, while we occasionally stared at one another. It was nice to engage in something so intimate with him, even if it was purely platonic.

When I returned to the bedroom, I went over to the bed and pulled back the covers. I slipped between the sheets, turning on my left side as I covered myself. Edward came in after me. He crawled in behind me, while his hand reached for my waist. My body moved backwards to his, causing the back of my head to rest against his chest. A contented sound came out of Edward as he wrapped his arms around my middle. I closed my eyes and basked in his affection. The feeling of safety and security enveloped me. I yawned when sleep tried to claim me.

“Bella, are you still awake?” Edward whispered.

My eyes popped open. I stretched to try to shake off some of my tiredness. “Barely,” I yawned.

“Sorry. But you didn’t answer my question,” he said.

“What was that?” I asked.

“Can I take you somewhere tomorrow?” he replied with a question.

“Where are we going?” I asked.

“It’s a surprise,” he answered.

“Edward,” I whined. “You know I hate surprises.”

“I know, but I promise you’ll adore this one, love,” he said.

“Fine, just don’t get too crazy,” I said.

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” he chuckled. The sound made me laugh. It was going to be interesting to see what Edward had planned, because he didn’t know the meaning of simple. I turned over and pecked his lips, and he returned the kiss. I laid my head back on my pillow and snuggled into his warm body. Tomorrow was going to be interesting indeed, I thought as I fell into a deep slumber.