shelikesthesound's Fanfic Corner

Chapter 2

~.~.~

I am Inside

June 10, 2003



She's a killer queen, gunpowder, gelatine
Dynamite with a laser beam
Guaranteed to blow your mind
Anytime

I leaned over the arm of the couch and grabbed my phone off of the glass-topped side table. Looking at the caller ID screen, I noticed Alice was calling me. I pushed the send button, flipped my hair over my shoulder, and placed it next to my ear.

“Hello, Alice,” I said in greeting.

“Hello to you, too, Bella,” Alice chirped.

“How are things?” I asked.

“Things are good. Look, I have an ulterior motive for calling,” she began.

“Uh-Huh,” I said. “And what might that be?”

“Mom wants everyone to come over for dinner next week, and she asked me to call and inviteyouandEdward,” she stated, running the last few words together.

“She wants Edward and me there?” I questioned.

“Yeah,” she replied; hope laced into her tone.

“I don’t know, Allie,” I started. “I’m not sure if that’s a good idea. You remember the last time Edward and Emmett were together in the same room. I don’t think your mom wants to patch up the drywall again,” I reminded her.

I was surprised that Esme, Edward’s mother, was inviting us to dinner via Alice. Everyone in the Cullen household knew that Edward and Emmett did not get along. It wasn’t always the case; they used to be as close as brothers could get. Two years ago, Emmett decided Thanksgiving was a good time to discuss Edward’s drug use.

~.~.~.~

November 22, 2001 – Thanksgiving Day

I was in the kitchen helping Rosalie, Emmett’s wife; Erin Whitlock, Jasper’s mom; Sue Clearwater, Charlie’s girlfriend; and Esme cook dinner. Edward, meanwhile, was in the rec room with Emmett, his dad, Carlisle, Charlie, and Julian Whitlock, Jasper’s dad, watching the football game. He later told me that during halftime, Emmett asked if he could talk to him in private.

Not thinking anything of the request, he agreed. Both men left the room and headed up to Edward’s bedroom on the third floor. Upon entering the room, Edward said Emmett started badgering him about the choices he was making in his life. Edward told him that it was none of his business. They argued for a long time. Most of the topics ranged from his irresponsibility, to lack of interest in college, Jasper, and how he treated me. Apparently, when my name was thrown into the mix, Edward lost his cool.

He got into Emmett’s face and told him that he needed to back off. That it was one thing to bitch at him about not going to college, or how Jasper was holding him back, but I was a topic that was off limits. And if he ever tried to tell him that I was better off with someone else, he wouldn’t be responsible for his actions.

The girls, at the same time, had worked tirelessly in the kitchen. We had laughed and told embarrassing stories about our men. Well, all of us except for Alice. She was single at the time. Instead she dodged questions about her and Jasper, since everyone knew that they both harbored deep feelings for each other. Even though, neither one was willing to admit it.

While Erin told a particularly mortifying tale about her and Julian involving a hot tub and some lube, Edward burst through the kitchen with a look of pure rage on his face. He crossed the room, leaning his back up against the far wall. Concerned, I left the pot of noodles I was stirring and walked toward him. Halfway there, Edward let out a loud “fuck,” turned around, and punched the wall hard. The action caused his hand to go through it. I froze mid-step, and a chorus of shouts and gasps filled the room. His mother grabbed a towel, wet it, and ran over to him. She started fussing over his hand, which pissed him off even more. He told her back off and pulled his hand out of the wall. It was covered in little bits of plaster; blood was dripping from his knuckles. His mother timidly offered him the towel. He apologized for snapping and took it.

He raised his eyes from his hand while he took a deep breath. His eyes searched the room for me. When he spotted me, he walked until he was standing in front of me. I gently grabbed his injured hand, and the towel, to clean the wound. He watched as I carefully wiped the blood from his skin. Once I was convinced the blood had stopped flowing, I lowered the towel and noticed Edward’s intense stare. He placed his forehead to mine and closed his eyes, whispering he loved me and was sorry. His eye opened, while he leaned down and pecked my lips. Carlisle showed up to examine his cuts moments later.

~.~.~.~

Because of Emmett’s little “talk,” we hadn’t attended a family dinner since. Edward or I usually went to see Esme on our own or together, but we spent the holidays alone.

“…so I think Edward would be safe,” Allie stated.

Shit, I was totally lost in my own world and missed what she said. Ugh. I always seemed to space when a hard topic was brought up.

“Um, Allie, I didn’t catch what you said. Could you repeat it?” I murmured.

“I swear, you better not be trying to fuck my brother while I’m talking to you,” she warned. “I don’t need to hear either of your sex noises. I will be scarred for life.”

I winced. “He’s not here Alice, and I just got lost in my head. I’m sorry. Could you just tell me what you said?” I asked.

“Yeah, no problem, “she answered.

“Now, what did you say?” I questioned.

“Anyway, like I was saying. Rose and Emmett aren’t coming. Mom didn’t invite them. She just really wants to see the two of you,” Alice replied.

“I’ll have to talk to Edward about it. But, like I said, he’s not here right now,” I said with sadness coloring my tone. “Can I call you in a couple of days to let you know?”

“That’s fine, B, just don’t wait too long,” she said.

I heard a loud huff on the other end of the phone. I braced myself for what was going to come out of Alice’s mouth next.

“Look, Bella,” Alice started. “I usually keep my mouth shut when it comes to your relationship with my brother. But there is something that I have to say.”

Fuck, here it comes, I thought.

“Allie, please don’t,” I begged in a small voice.

“I’m sorry, but I have to say it,” she asserted. “What are you doing with my jackass of a brother? God, B, you have so much to offer. And, yet, where are you? At home on a Friday evening because your douche bag boyfriend is out doing god knows what with god knows whom.”

“Stop it,” I cried, as the tears gathered in my eyes.

“No, you don’t know what he’s doing…or who. I’m not saying this to hurt you. It’s to help you see. You need to realize that maybe it’s time to move on and find someone else,” Alice implored.

I wiped my eyes and answered her.

“How could you say something like that?” I gritted through my teeth. “He’s your fucking brother for Christ’s sake. Do you really think that little of him?”

She paused for a moment.

“I love my brother very much, but I’m tired of him treating you like dirt. Do you know why I’ve never pursued a relationship with Jasper, even though I know he wants one?” she asked.

“No, I don’t. Wait, how do you know Jasper likes you?” I asked, stunned she knew. I had always thought she was in the dark when it came to how he felt about her.

“Please, Bella, it’s not like it’s a big secret. But that’s not the point. The point is while I want him, I can’t handle his lifestyle. I don’t want to be left alone all the time to wonder if he’s fine, hurt, passed out in a bathroom somewhere, or banging some other chick because he’s too fucked up to realize what he’s doing. And it hurts me to see that that is exactly what you’re doing,” she said.

“Enough. I don’t want to hear anymore. I love Edward, and I trust him. He’s never cheated on me, and he never will. Just drop it.”

“Fine, he’s a saint,” Alice replied in a flat tone. “Just think of this instead. What about all the chemicals he’s putting into his body? You know if he keeps up like he is, he’s going to end up exactly like Dad…or worse—”

I pushed the end button. Frustrated, I threw the phone across the room, causing it to slam into the wall with a smack and falling to the floor. I interlaced my fingers together, raised my tightly clasped hands to my forehead, and squeezed my eyes shut. Fucking Alice always voiced her opinion when it wasn’t welcome. Tears welled up in my shut eyes, and a sob started to work its way up my throat. I pressed my lips together firmly, hoping to hold it in. The action failed, and I bawled openly. My body curled into the fetal position as I rested down on my side. I gave into my misery because Alice had touched a nerve. Truly, I wasn’t that naïve. I knew that when Edward went out, girls tried very hard to get him into their bed. He swore he never gave them the time of day, and he wouldn’t hurt me in that way. Not to mention, Carlisle’s situation was something I thought about daily.

Carlisle used to be an alcoholic himself. From the stories Esme, Alice, and Edward had told me, it was pretty bad. Since he was a respected doctor at the local hospital, he never drank before or while at work. When he was home, he would drink until he passed out. His binges took their toll on the family. Esme, for the most part, was a single parent of four. She not only had the responsibilities of raising three children, but she also had to take care of an adult that was like a child himself on good days. That woman was a saint to have put up with some of the stuff Carlisle pulled and still remained sane through everything. I was in awe of her strength. I wished that I was half the woman she was. I talked to her about some of the struggles I had, and she helped me because she knew what I was going through. She could relate in a way no one else in the family could.

Esme and I had many occasions where we talked about our respective others and traded “battle stories.” At those times, she was not Edwards’s mother. Instead, she was just another woman that had lived with an alcoholic. My favorite Drunk Carlisle story she had relayed was the one about him and the Christmas tree.

Esme had helped the kids put together the Christmas tree earlier in the evening. Alice, Edward, and Emmett were so proud of it. They had hoped to surprise their dad, but he never came home. So, they were sent to bed, and Esme stayed up waiting on him. Carlisle stumbled into the house at midnight, completely shitfaced. Esme jumped up and started yelling at him. Carlisle, ignoring her, thought the tree was a perfectly good place to relieve his bladder. Esme ran up to him and started hitting him, causing him to be knocked off balance. Since he was in no condition to stand up in the first place, he fell right into the tree with a crash. Needless to say, they were treeless Christmas morning.

Esme pleaded with Carlisle for many years to quit drinking. He thought he didn’t have a problem and refused every time she brought it up. The beginning stage of cirrhosis of the liver was the reason he embraced sobriety today. At a routine checkup, his doctor gave him the results of earlier tests. They showed that his liver was in trouble. The doctor told him to either quit drinking, or start planning his funeral, because he didn’t expect him to live for more than three years if he didn’t stop. Being a doctor himself, he knew exactly what would happen if he disregarded the advice. He took the news to heart and never looked back.

It was a shame that, by the time he was able to finally quit, his credibility with Edward was nonexistent. Edward told me once that when he was little, his dad was his hero. But, by the time Edward was twelve, and Carlisle had quit, he had already started his descent into what he called Hell. And his Hell was better than facing the disappointment that would happen if Carlisle failed.

I wiped my eyes and got up. Nothing like a good crying jag to sort your emotions out, I thought wryly. I stretched my neck out as my eyes traveled the room. The clock on the far wall read 5:42 p.m. I felt the sting of more tears and chanted in my head, I will not cry again. I will not cry again. My face felt sticky, so I decided to wash it. I tried to convince myself that it wasn’t important that Edward had been gone for the past six hours as I walked toward the master bath. When I entered, I went to the tap and turned on the water. I moved my hands into the stream and cupped them. The warm liquid felt good when I brought it to my face. My hands gripped the counter tightly; my head bowed. I was so aggravated. I wanted to know why it was so hard for Edward to keep his promises.

I raised my head and looked into the mirror. The woman that stared back at me had a grimace on her face. There were dark circles under her eyes. The flicker that once brightened the coffee brown color had faded. I wondered how this had happened and what led me to becoming the person staring back at me. The limbo I was living in wasn’t what I imagined life with Edward would be like when we were seventeen. Back then, I had firmly believed in Happily Ever After and thought I was getting mine, because I had my prince. At twenty-two, though, I felt cheated. My prince was an addict and alcoholic that left me to fend for myself, while he gallivanted around town doing god knows what. I started to question every decision I had made since I met Edward.

Damn Alice for making me question myself, I thought.

The sound of voices pulled me from my thoughts. Curious, I followed the sound. I entered the living room and found Edward and Jasper. They were seated on the couch, engrossed in the T.V. Both men turned their heads toward me at the sound of my footsteps. A huge grin broke out on Edward’s face as his eyes met mine. I saw red. Between the call from Alice and the fact he was now acting like he’d been here all day, I was furious. I turned on my heel and stomped out of the room. When I reached the kitchen, I started banging bowls around.

“Have you been crying? What’s wrong?” a silken voice asked from behind me.

I spun around. Edward was leaning on the kitchen island. Of course he picked up on the fact I’d been crying. I never could hide my feelings from him.

“What’s wrong? Nothing’s wrong. Everything is just peachy,” I said my voice rising with each word.

Edward hung his head. He reached up and pinched the bridge of his nose. His shoulders slumped; the posture of his body screamed defeat. I was slightly mollified by his demeanor. I figured it was about time he looked as bad as I felt.

“Bella, look, I’m sorry. I tried to get back here sooner, but Jasper –“he began. I cut him off.

“I don’t want to hear excuses. You’re always sorry, Edward. Yet, you keep doing the same things over and over again. You can say sorry all you want. Your actions tell a different story!” I shouted.

“God damn it, Bella, please just listen to me!” Edward yelled. “I tried to get back sooner. But fucking Jasper had to go to Hoquiam, and I couldn’t get here any faster.”

“Fuck you, Edward,” I sneered. “That’s a lame excuse. Why didn’t you just leave him? Huh?” I asked.

“I couldn’t. I rode with him,” Edward answered.

“Of course you did. You have an answer for everything, don’t you?” I questioned.

Edward stood there, looking like a scolded child. His hands were in his pockets, and his head hung low. The confident, cocky man I knew and loved was gone and was replaced by a remorseful one.

“Forget it. I don’t care anymore. Go and do what you want. You always do anyway,” I said.

I walked around him and left the room. On my way to the bedroom, Jasper grabbed my arm. He pulled me to a stop in front of him. Not wanting to hear what he had to say, I tried to pull my arm from his grasp. He held tighter, but not too tight, and effectively kept his hold. I gave up trying get away, because it proved to be futile. I looked at him with a bored expression.

“What do you want, Jasper?” I asked in a lifeless tone.

“Don’t be mad at him, baby B,” Jasper pleaded. “It really was my fault. He told me before we left that he had to get back here soon. I was looking for pills, and I could only find them in Hoquiam. If you’re going to be mad at someone, be mad at me. He was worried the entire time you’d be pissed and finally get fed up.”

I closed my eyes tightly. It was difficult to recognize whether Jasper was telling the truth, or if it was something he said to placate me. It was hard to hold onto the anger when Jasper acted as a sacrifice to the altar of my rage. Expelling a breath, I looked into his eyes. He squirmed under my scrutiny. The action made me question his sincerity.

“Okay, he went with you to Hoquiam, and he was stuck with you. That I can understand. What I want to know is why no one bothered to call me?” I asked.

“I don’t know why Edward didn’t call you, B. I swear, though, it wasn’t to intentionally upset you. I’m sure he just got talking and forgot the time,” Jasper answered.

“That’s not good enough, Jazz. God, do you think I’m that stupid? I know about all the girls that follow him around when you guys are out,” I said.

“Whoa, hold on a minute. You can’t honestly think he’d cheat on you. Come on, you know better than that,” Jasper said.

“What should I think? My fucking boyfriend is always with you,” I seethed.

“I promise you…he doesn’t even notice them. They could walk around naked, and he wouldn’t see them. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had a good laugh, because Edward pissed off some whore that wanted his attention but didn’t get it,” he assured me.

“Why should I believe you?” I asked. “You are his best friend. Isn’t it supposed to be bros before hoes or some shit like that?”

“Most of the time, that’s how it is, but not when it comes to you. I’m going to tell you something that I’ve never admitted to anyone, and I’ll deny it if you ever tell Edward, okay?” he asked, gauging my reaction.

I nodded my head. Whatever words that came next didn’t matter. Jasper was his best friend; of course he was going to defend Edward.

“I’m jealous of Edward,” he admitted. He glanced at me, but I couldn’t say anything. Talk about something that came out of left field. It was not what I expected him to say. Wait, why was he jealous?

“I want what you and Edward have. I thought I came close twice before, but it fell apart. You guys give me hope that there is someone out there for me, and I can’t let you give up without telling you that. God, Bella, that boy lives for you. Yeah, he’s not always here but that doesn’t mean you’re not on his mind. It would literally kill him to lose you,” Jasper confessed.

Well, that killed my righteous anger. How could I argue with something like that? Jasper was the person my boyfriend spent the most time with, and he was jealous of me? I was confused and was no longer sure if I should be mad at Edward or not.

I left the room and saw Edward sitting on the couch. He had his head in his hands. My steps must have alerted him to my presence, because he jumped up. His eyes were red rimmed and bloodshot. Almost as if he had tried to hold in tears. I didn’t want to be mad at him, but I wasn’t sure what to think anymore. Between the talk I’d had with Alice earlier and Jasper’s surprising confession, I was lost.

“Bella I…” he started to say.

I held up my hand. There were some things I had to get him to understand before I could even begin to think of forgiving him. I inhaled deeply and hoped I could stay strong.

“All right, Jasper explained some things to me. I understand when you’re out, you don’t always think to call me. But, damn it, you promised you’d be back soon. And soon doesn’t mean six hours later,” I said. He opened his mouth to speak. I shook my head. Edward closed it and motioned for me to continue.

“I can’t do this anymore,” I said. His face fell.

“Let me finish,” I pleaded. “I can’t be with someone that puts me last. It hurts to think the one person who is supposed to love me more than anything might not, because he’s never there. I’m tired of being left alone. Things have to change or…” I declared as my throat closed up.

“Don’t,” Edward whispered. “Please don’t say it. I’ll do anything, because I can’t lose you. Whatever you want—consider it done,” he urged.

I blinked back the tears that had gathered in my eyes. “If you mean it, then I want you to be home more,” I said.

He grabbed me and pulled me into his chest in a desperate embrace. I rested my head against his neck as he squeezed me tightly. I closed my eyes and tried not to cry. He kissed the top of my head, while he pulled back to look at my face.

“I didn’t realize,” Edward said as his voice cracked. “I just get so caught up in what I’m doing, and I don’t think. I never meant to hurt you, though. If that’s what you need, then I’ll do it,” he promised.

“Okay, Edward, I forgive you,” I said. “Well, for now anyway.”

Edward leaned his forehead against mine, and a small smile graced my lips as his eyes moved to my mouth. He licked his lips and leaned in toward my face. I angled my head and moved to meet him halfway. Our lips met in a chaste kiss.

“So, where’s my dope?” I asked as I pulled back a fraction of an inch. “You did get it, right?”

“Yeah, I got it. Its right here,” he said as he pointed toward his front pants pocket.

“Why were you crying earlier?” he asked as he pulled me to the couch. “I know I have no right to ask, but I hate to see you cry. Tell me, baby, how can I fix it?”

“No, it wasn’t you that made me cry. Alice called. She just said some things that hit too close to home,” I replied.

“It was about me, right? Fucking Alice,” he seethed.

“Hey, let it go. I’m over it. Its same tired argument she always has,” I said.

“No, fuck that. I’m tired of her trying to turn you against me. She needs to get over herself and worry about her own life. She should feel lucky I wasn’t here. I’d have told her to mind her own business,” he said.

“Edward,” I warned. “Just let it go. I don’t want you to start with her. She was concerned about me. Sure, she could have been more sympathetic, but she didn’t say anything that wasn’t true,” I pointed out.

He ignored me and sat back down. Edward took out his phone, dialing Alice’s number. As it was ringing, he put it on speaker phone.

“So you can hear what she says,” he said and winked at me. I rolled my eyes, knowing it was not going to end well.

The phone rang three times. Then, a lively female voice answered on the other end.

“Hello,” Alice said.

“Yeah, hello to you, too, dear sister,” Edward sneered.

“So what do I owe the pleasure of your call, Edward?” she said sarcastically.

“I heard you called Bella today,” he said.

“I did,” she said. “Oh, are you finally home now after getting your fill of chemicals? Or did your whore kick you out?” she said in an irritated tone.

“Damn it, Alice, knock it off. You know damn well I’m not cheating on her,” Edward snapped. “Quit talking about things you know nothing about.”

I sat stunned as they argued, unable to say anything. I had learned long ago to keep my mouth shut when they started. There was no way to get a word in, and if someone did, the focus usually switched to them. Edward and Alice were ruthless when they were pissed.

“Fuck you, Edward. Tell me then; what do you do when you’re gone? No one takes six hours to smoke a joint and drink a beer. Huh? Answer that,” Alice demanded.

“Jesus, Alice, I’m not here to argue about what I do when I’m not at home. Besides, the only person that has a right to demand an answer to that is Bella, and you aren’t her,” he said.

Alice let out a humorless laugh. “Okay fine, I’ll give you that, but…” she started. Edward cut her off.

“Look, I didn’t call to get into this with you,” Edward said. “The reason I called was to tell you that if you can’t keep your opinions to yourself, don’t call my girlfriend. When I got home, she’d been crying. I swear to God, Alice, it happens again, and I’m putting my foot up your ass,” he said with malice laced in his words.

“Oh, I’d like to see you try, Jackass!” Alice screeched. Edward ended the call and tossed the phone onto the floor. He looked over at me, and his crooked smile was spread across his face.

“Well, now she’s really going to be unbearable,” I muttered. “Thanks for throwing me under the bus,” I said sarcastically.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered as he brushed his nose against my cheek. This is what I had been missing. My Edward—the one who loved me fiercely, and the one who would fight for our relationship, come hell or high water. Even if he sometimes got it wrong and took his protective nature too far.

A throat cleared, effectively breaking the spell we had fallen under. I looked over to the hallway entrance and noticed Jasper was standing in the doorway. He had an amused smile on his face. Embarrassed, I ducked my head to cover my blush. Edward let out a small laugh.

“Well, I guess you two have made up,” Jasper assumed.

“All is good at casa de Cullen and Swan, right?” Edward asked as he looked in my direction.

“Yeah, we’re good,” I said.

He leaned back and stretched his arm along the back of the couch. I pecked his lips. He grabbed me and tucked me into his side, placing his hand on my shoulder.

“So,” Jasper began. “Are we going to fire one up or not?”